One of the biggest mistakes custodial parents make is not filing for child support. By filing for support and establishing a support order, parents can collect payments beyond when a child reaches the age of 18. One of my client was astonished when she began receiving payments and her children where the ages 24 and 28. She had given up but I explained that she did what millions of custodial parents have failed to do and that is to establish a support order. It is very important that when a parent fails to be responsible financial for his/her children, it is then important to file for child support.
When a custodial parent is in the system, regardless of if the noncustodial parent pays or not, an arrear is established and payment will follow when the system finds the parent. I first recommend that both parents discuss what is a fair payment and work together to raise their children. In some cases, this is the best situation and both parents actually do what they say they would do. However, when the noncustodial parent does not live up to the agreement, the next step is to file with the child support enforcement system. I only recommend this because it begins to establish a record of payment and nonpayment and this can work in the favor of both parents, if paid on time.
When asked the question to custodial parents who have not filed for support in the system, why they have not filed, most parents respond that they do not want the father in their children lives. Others respond that the system does not work so why bother. My response is always the same, the system works if you know how to work the system and a child needs the financial support of both parents. I then divulge the biggest secret of the system, financial support of a child has nothing to do with visitation; the two are separate. However, it is then when delving further into the reason why most parents do not rely on the system, most begin to see why it is important to establish record by entering into the system.
One of the biggest fallacies of the child support system for custodial parents is that it does not work. The system works as mentioned before; however, it is the parents in the system that causes it to not to be as functional as it was designed to be. If both parents put first the needs of their children, are being responsible financially, spiritually, and socially and both are actively involved in their children lives then the need of the children are taken care of. The system then works. However, on the other hand, when one parent takes advantage and does not pay, then it becomes harder to enforce the established support order. Moreover, there are some improvement that needs to be made such as making payments accountable for the needs of each child in the system.
One of my clients is very vexed with the system because they cannot find the father. She has given her caseworker his address which is in another state but the caseworker insist that he lives in the same state that she lives in. For over one year, she has not been able to locate the parent. Even though he calls and speaks to his son periodically, he will not give her an address. Therefore, I explain to my client that it is not the system; it is the parent that evades or is reluctant to pay child support. My suggestion to her is to keep the case open and continue to get as much information from the father as possible to report to her caseworker.
When a noncustodial parent does not work a regular job or has his/her own business, it is easy for them to evade and manipulate the system. It is not only their responsibility as a parent to financial support their children, it is also important that they are actively involved in the live of their children. When custodial parents say that they do not want the other parent in their children lives, I explain that is a selfish notion and it should be up to the children. Most parents are emotionally involved with the other parent and the reason for the breakup in the first place is the motivating factor why the relationship is estranged. The relationship that ensues between a mother and a father is different between parents and their children. Only in extreme cases such as the other parent will harm a child shall a parent be restricted from seeing his/her child.
When encountering the child support system, both parents, custodial and noncustodial parent will face four stages: locate the noncustodial parent, establish paternity, establish order and enforce order. Each stage is important and should not be avoided. Sometimes a support order can be established in as short as three months, and others can take years. The more information a parent has to provide to their casework, the quicker and simpler the process becomes. Lack of information such as the address of the other parent or where the other parent works can delay the process.
Filing for support for your children is very important. The financial support that children receive from the other parent is very instrumental in caring and providing for the needs of our children. When custodial parents do not file, they are allowing noncustodial parents to shirk their responsibility. I recommend to parents who say that they do not want the money to open a trust account and save the money and have it available upon graduation from college to their children to provide a fresh start into life.
Here are a few steps to start your order:
• Call your local child support enforcement office to schedule an appointment to open your case.
• Gather as much information as possible regarding the noncustodial parent such as name, birth date, social security number, address, work name and address, telephone number and each child's name and social security number.
• Bring in birth certificate of each child.
• It may cost $25 to start your case if you are not receiving government assistance.
• Be patient and contact your caseworker on a regular base to get an update on your case. Whenever you receive additional information on the noncustodial parent, provide the information to your caseworker.
• Purchase your copy of The Face of Child Support by Dawnette Lounds-Culp by going to www.angeleyespublishingco.com. The Face of Child Support provides the detailed information mothers and fathers need to manuever successfully through the child support system.
There are no reasons why custodial parents should not file for child support or any reasons why noncustodial parents should shirk their responsibility to their children. It is vital that a support order is establish to keep a record of the amount the noncustodial parent should pay. In cases where payments are not received, the system keeps a record and the amount never goes away until the amount is paid or settled by both parents. Our children deserve both parents' financial support as well as both parents actively involved in their lives.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Resurgence of Good Manners
In the absence of good manners in our daily lives and today’s society, those who practice good etiquette are often times highlighted and stand out. If our manners determine our place or status in society, we are not only failing society, we are failing our children and have reached a new low. I am astonished to see the diminished levels of etiquette among adults in today’s society and to see these manners being transferred to children. However, good manners are not totally eliminated from our society. There is hope that regardless if our lives are filled with so much stress that we are able to maintain a level of humanity and respect for self and for those around us. I am calling for a resurgence of good manners in today’s society.
The simplest definition of etiquette is “the prescribed forms and practice of how one act in society.” If we lived in the world alone, we would not have to be concerned with how we act. However, since our daily encounters involve interactions with others throughout our day, we have to consider how we act around others. Etiquette is exemplified at even the most basic functions in our lives. From your home life to work and church, what you do will determine how others judge or think of you. Just as any doctor will prescribe medicine if you are sick to make you better, I am prescribing that we all practice good manners in our lives.
It takes only three (3) seconds for someone to form an opinion of you upon first meeting you. First impressions are hard to reverse and the level of manners you display determines making a great first impression. The way you dress, the way you speak, how you groom yourself, and many other factors play a paramount role in how others think of you. Since etiquette is a prescribed practice, I recommend that we continue to practice making good decision and positively impacting and affecting those around us.
Answer the following questions to determine your level of good manners.
• When you are in your car and someone wants to cut in, do you allow the person from cutting in?
• Do you have a sit down dinner with your family at least three times a week? I recommend sitting down eating dinner daily with family.
• If you are in the grocery line and have a cart full of grocery and the person behind you have less than 10 products, do you let that person go ahead of you?
• For males, do you open the car door always for your date, girlfriend or wife?
• For females, on a date, are you the one paying for the date more often than the male?
Congratulations to those who answered yes to every question except the last one. You are on your way to making a great and outstanding first and lasting impression. The more we think of how we can make a difference in our own lives and the lives of those around us; the more we can make a positive impact to society and lessen the stress we face daily. When I say “good morning, afternoon or good evening” to someone, it completely changes their day and catch them off guard. Simple things go a long way in the lives of others. Let’s continue to display good manners and demand those around you to do the same. As adults and as parents, what we do and how we act have a direct impact on our children. We lead and teach our children by example. We can make a positive impact on the next generation by practicing good manners because etiquette really starts at home.
The simplest definition of etiquette is “the prescribed forms and practice of how one act in society.” If we lived in the world alone, we would not have to be concerned with how we act. However, since our daily encounters involve interactions with others throughout our day, we have to consider how we act around others. Etiquette is exemplified at even the most basic functions in our lives. From your home life to work and church, what you do will determine how others judge or think of you. Just as any doctor will prescribe medicine if you are sick to make you better, I am prescribing that we all practice good manners in our lives.
It takes only three (3) seconds for someone to form an opinion of you upon first meeting you. First impressions are hard to reverse and the level of manners you display determines making a great first impression. The way you dress, the way you speak, how you groom yourself, and many other factors play a paramount role in how others think of you. Since etiquette is a prescribed practice, I recommend that we continue to practice making good decision and positively impacting and affecting those around us.
Answer the following questions to determine your level of good manners.
• When you are in your car and someone wants to cut in, do you allow the person from cutting in?
• Do you have a sit down dinner with your family at least three times a week? I recommend sitting down eating dinner daily with family.
• If you are in the grocery line and have a cart full of grocery and the person behind you have less than 10 products, do you let that person go ahead of you?
• For males, do you open the car door always for your date, girlfriend or wife?
• For females, on a date, are you the one paying for the date more often than the male?
Congratulations to those who answered yes to every question except the last one. You are on your way to making a great and outstanding first and lasting impression. The more we think of how we can make a difference in our own lives and the lives of those around us; the more we can make a positive impact to society and lessen the stress we face daily. When I say “good morning, afternoon or good evening” to someone, it completely changes their day and catch them off guard. Simple things go a long way in the lives of others. Let’s continue to display good manners and demand those around you to do the same. As adults and as parents, what we do and how we act have a direct impact on our children. We lead and teach our children by example. We can make a positive impact on the next generation by practicing good manners because etiquette really starts at home.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Everything Is Not Always Black or White, There Are Always Gray Areas: Interracial Relationships
From the beginning of time, various cultures and race have entered into successful and meaningful relationships. Even though some have been met with various opposition and turmoil, there have been an infusion of interracial relationships with every race and culture. What is most important is the love each relationship shares. Then why are interracial relationships an issue in today's society? When you see a couple of a different race together in today's society, what is your first thought?
Imagine going to your favorite restaurant and when ordering from the menu you are told that you are expected to and can only order an entree from the beef selections. You really want an entree from the chicken choices that was recommended to you but you are prohibited from ordering any chicken entree and only have to choose from the selections with beef. Even though beef offers many delicious options from prime steak to hamburgers and you have had beef each time you have ate dinner at the restaurant, you are now becoming fond of a particular chicken entree and you have a desire and taste for it. You then settle for a beef choice, not very pleased, happy or fulfilled. That would be appalling , not ordering what you want but only what is expected and/or given as an option to you.
When it comes to dating, love and marriage, our hearts may lead us in a direction that involves loving someone from a different race; something that is taboo in certain cultures and race and to certain people. Most large metropolitan cities are open to such relationships more so than some small rural towns. Are people in this country really ready to embrace such widespread of relationships?
For the last two years, I have enjoyed a wonderful relationship with a man I hope to marry one day. When we met, our encounter was magical and there was an instant attraction that I could not explain. I was planning a radio show on the "War on Military Marriages" and he was one of the people I interviewed. He had been in the military for many years and married the same amount of years, but he was going through a divorce. After the interview, we kept in touch and began dating shortly after his divorce. Two years later, we are enjoying a wonderful relationship filled with so much love and excitement. Now, would it be an issue if he was from a different race than mine?
He is from a different race and we enjoy being with each other tremendously. To us and many other interracial relationships, the ability to love without having limitations open doors for various cultures and race to intermingle and learn, grow and understand each other's background. Of course there is much more to falling in love, however, if I was denied the right to date or marry him, I would feel as if my constitutional rights were being take away and I am sure he would feel the same. Fortunately, we are not treading down that road and realize that if and when it happens, we hope we do not meet any resistance. To date, we have not had anyone comment negatively about our relationship. Moreover, we have had many people approach us while at dinner or in other public places telling us how loving and great we look together.
Enter Katelyn and Todd who have been dating for the past three years. After recently hearing Katelyn's stories of her many encounters of being shunned and ostracized by people of Todd's race, I was flabbergasted and was in disbelief. For instance, she recounted an occasion when she met Todd at an upscale restaurant and when arriving before him at the restaurant, the stares and whispering began. Upon Todd arriving and introducing her to some of his friends who also frequented the restaurant, both realized the negative and disdained reception she received. They decided to leave that restaurant and to go to a restaurant of Katelyn choice. This happened nearly three years ago, but the hurt and despair she felt was relived as she told me the story. Some of Todd's friends are no longer his friends because of his relationship with Katelyn. Katelyn and Todd are still together and I see the love they have for each other.
That is what love is about, how someone makes you feel when you are together and not based on the color of one's skin complexion. I am really enjoying myself in my relationship and pray that we never are encountered with any negative situations as it relates to our race. From my experience, I believe America is ready for such a diversity of relationships. However, not everyone will embrace it as experienced by Katelyn. When we allow love to guide us in our lives, we can overcome the most negative situation encountered because when two people love each other, it should not matter if they are of different race?
Sam remembers being excited about going on a date with Amber. They had met in the post office the day before and he was absolutely stunned by her beauty and poise. Sam was so nervous to commence a conversation with her but after he did, Sam remembers how comfortable Amber made him feel. She was from a different race but Sam saw no color or differences, only what he felt in his heart. It was a beautiful sunny day and they met in the park to have a picnic. Sam's eyes lightened when he saw Amber approaching and wanted desperately to run and grab her in his arms. Composing himself, he waited until she came to the bench where he sat and gave her a nice hug. Amber was wonderful and he instantly had feelings for her. He wanted to go out again with her. Planning the date, he wanted to impress her and invited her to a function with his co-workers. After meeting Amber, Sam's co-workers voiced their opinion to him on the relationship and he felt pressured. He ended the relationship with Amber and to date, still regrets his decision. Sam has never felt that way about another person.
Interracial relationships are increasing and becoming the norm. On television, you will find shows and programs that have interracial relationships. In a major dating site commercial it advertises an interracial couple that married from meeting on its site. In the movies and even with celebrities, interracial dating and marriages are seen more often. If some people in this country are not ready for interracial relationships, embrace yourself because it is here and will always be here. Love happens in many ways to many people, does it really matter if it happens to two people of different race?
Imagine going to your favorite restaurant and when ordering from the menu you are told that you are expected to and can only order an entree from the beef selections. You really want an entree from the chicken choices that was recommended to you but you are prohibited from ordering any chicken entree and only have to choose from the selections with beef. Even though beef offers many delicious options from prime steak to hamburgers and you have had beef each time you have ate dinner at the restaurant, you are now becoming fond of a particular chicken entree and you have a desire and taste for it. You then settle for a beef choice, not very pleased, happy or fulfilled. That would be appalling , not ordering what you want but only what is expected and/or given as an option to you.
When it comes to dating, love and marriage, our hearts may lead us in a direction that involves loving someone from a different race; something that is taboo in certain cultures and race and to certain people. Most large metropolitan cities are open to such relationships more so than some small rural towns. Are people in this country really ready to embrace such widespread of relationships?
For the last two years, I have enjoyed a wonderful relationship with a man I hope to marry one day. When we met, our encounter was magical and there was an instant attraction that I could not explain. I was planning a radio show on the "War on Military Marriages" and he was one of the people I interviewed. He had been in the military for many years and married the same amount of years, but he was going through a divorce. After the interview, we kept in touch and began dating shortly after his divorce. Two years later, we are enjoying a wonderful relationship filled with so much love and excitement. Now, would it be an issue if he was from a different race than mine?
He is from a different race and we enjoy being with each other tremendously. To us and many other interracial relationships, the ability to love without having limitations open doors for various cultures and race to intermingle and learn, grow and understand each other's background. Of course there is much more to falling in love, however, if I was denied the right to date or marry him, I would feel as if my constitutional rights were being take away and I am sure he would feel the same. Fortunately, we are not treading down that road and realize that if and when it happens, we hope we do not meet any resistance. To date, we have not had anyone comment negatively about our relationship. Moreover, we have had many people approach us while at dinner or in other public places telling us how loving and great we look together.
Enter Katelyn and Todd who have been dating for the past three years. After recently hearing Katelyn's stories of her many encounters of being shunned and ostracized by people of Todd's race, I was flabbergasted and was in disbelief. For instance, she recounted an occasion when she met Todd at an upscale restaurant and when arriving before him at the restaurant, the stares and whispering began. Upon Todd arriving and introducing her to some of his friends who also frequented the restaurant, both realized the negative and disdained reception she received. They decided to leave that restaurant and to go to a restaurant of Katelyn choice. This happened nearly three years ago, but the hurt and despair she felt was relived as she told me the story. Some of Todd's friends are no longer his friends because of his relationship with Katelyn. Katelyn and Todd are still together and I see the love they have for each other.
That is what love is about, how someone makes you feel when you are together and not based on the color of one's skin complexion. I am really enjoying myself in my relationship and pray that we never are encountered with any negative situations as it relates to our race. From my experience, I believe America is ready for such a diversity of relationships. However, not everyone will embrace it as experienced by Katelyn. When we allow love to guide us in our lives, we can overcome the most negative situation encountered because when two people love each other, it should not matter if they are of different race?
Sam remembers being excited about going on a date with Amber. They had met in the post office the day before and he was absolutely stunned by her beauty and poise. Sam was so nervous to commence a conversation with her but after he did, Sam remembers how comfortable Amber made him feel. She was from a different race but Sam saw no color or differences, only what he felt in his heart. It was a beautiful sunny day and they met in the park to have a picnic. Sam's eyes lightened when he saw Amber approaching and wanted desperately to run and grab her in his arms. Composing himself, he waited until she came to the bench where he sat and gave her a nice hug. Amber was wonderful and he instantly had feelings for her. He wanted to go out again with her. Planning the date, he wanted to impress her and invited her to a function with his co-workers. After meeting Amber, Sam's co-workers voiced their opinion to him on the relationship and he felt pressured. He ended the relationship with Amber and to date, still regrets his decision. Sam has never felt that way about another person.
Interracial relationships are increasing and becoming the norm. On television, you will find shows and programs that have interracial relationships. In a major dating site commercial it advertises an interracial couple that married from meeting on its site. In the movies and even with celebrities, interracial dating and marriages are seen more often. If some people in this country are not ready for interracial relationships, embrace yourself because it is here and will always be here. Love happens in many ways to many people, does it really matter if it happens to two people of different race?
Monday, October 19, 2009
Can We Just Get Along and Stay Married
If you've been married, you're quite familiar with these words, "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part." Or you may have been creative and wrote your own wedding vows. How long do these words last in our marriages? For me, two years and I was divorced. I thought, when I get married, I would be married for the rest of my life. I can remember during our engagement, we talked about being together in our nineties and still walking with each other. We couldn't wait to be married. Then, why am I divorced? Why are you divorced? Why don't marriages last? And, how many of us actually go into a marriage thinking we are going to get a divorce?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren't marriages working and why aren't we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today's society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationship dynamics she discovered were men and women in relationships are cohabiting, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married for example. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that's exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren't going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman's view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for "Irreconcilable Differences." Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily, build meaningful relationships and stay married. What a wonderful world that will be! I'm willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces such as lack of communication, financial problems, and abuse; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce. Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I'm ready, are you?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren't marriages working and why aren't we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today's society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationship dynamics she discovered were men and women in relationships are cohabiting, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married for example. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that's exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren't going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman's view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for "Irreconcilable Differences." Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily, build meaningful relationships and stay married. What a wonderful world that will be! I'm willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces such as lack of communication, financial problems, and abuse; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce. Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I'm ready, are you?
Monday, September 28, 2009
Are Child Support Laws Equitable and Fair For Both Parents?
I know that this article as well as this subject is going to touch the chord of so many people both positive and negative, both mothers and fathers. I recently posed a question to both men and women and to my astonishment; both favored and concurred with it. So, what is it? Child support! Did you know that child support is determined on the income of the noncustodial parent? Yes, I'm sure most of you know that. However, do most of you agree that child support laws are antiquated and biased and needs to be changed?
If support payment is based on a noncustodial parent income, then what happens to the excess of the money that is received by the custodial parent once the child's needs are taken care of? Most noncustodial parents want accountability for the payments received. I concur. During the divorce process, both parties are required to present a financial affidavit outlining all their expenses, assets and their income. Why then shouldn't custodial parents outline the monthly expenses of the child or children and present that to establish support payment? If it takes only $500 for a child's monthly expenses and the custodial parent receives $1200, then the remaining $700 is custodial support. Doesn't seem fair does it? The question that was presented to both men and women was should custodial parents be accountable for the child support payment they receive?
Child support laws have changed in many states to include the income of both parents, however, it needs to be changed nationwide for child support to be based on the expenses of each child. Most noncustodial parents would then stop evading child support and those that are reluctant to pay child support will pay child support because it will be based on the expenses and needs of the child. In order to make child support fair to both parents, this small change can be easily implemented when establishing the child support order.
Christy is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend and she came to my office for advice on how to proceed with her relationship with the father of her child. She was initially quite angry and disappointed but elated that she was having a baby. She did not want the father involved with the unborn baby and wanted to do it all by herself. I thought how selfish, but I explained to her that her baby would benefit by having both parents involved in his/her life. In another session, we discuss how much child support she should receive. I asked her to write down all the expenses she would incur from having the baby as well as the budget monthly for caring for the baby. She brought the expenses during a follow-up session and I suggested that is the amount you ask for child support and present the father with the budget. When she came back, her relationship with the father had taken a positive turn. Christy informed me that he was relieved that she was fair and equitable in deciding on the financial responsibility of raising their child.
However, the face of child support is changing. Statistic shows that 85% of custodial parents are mothers and 15% are fathers. The fasting growing segment/population of parents are fathers. More and more fathers are fighting for custody and in today's changing world; more fathers are getting custody of their children.
This is the perfect place to introduce Denise. Denise contacted me last year when her husband, of whom she was separated from, kept her two children when they visited him for the summer. She wanted to know her rights and the rights of her husband. What I told her shocked her. No parent actually has custody of their children unless it is outlined and determined in a divorce decree or in other documentation signed by both parents. I suggested to Denise that when the children come back for the Christmas holiday she could keep the children with her. However, I also suggested that she should have a candid conversation with her children to see where they prefer to live, with mommy or daddy.
At Christmas her two children came to visit, however, Denise did not take my advice. The children went back after the holiday to their father. During her divorce hearing in the following spring, and when the issue of custody was presented, the judge asked, "if you wanted the children with you, why didn't you keep them when they came to visit?" He continued to say, "if you didn't think the father was doing a good job with the children, why did you allow them to stay with him for so long." Denise called me after the hearing and informed me that the father was awarded custody and she should have listened to me.
Denise is not the only mother I know that doesn't have custody of their children and is the noncustodial parent. I have several mothers that I consult that are noncustodial parents. What happens when mothers are noncustodial parents? Do they have to pay the percentage outlined in child support laws? The answer is yes. What I've seen when mothers are noncustodial parents are fathers are more lenient to mothers paying child support and seldom demand that they pay the amount outlined in child support laws. This is the case for Denise. She only pays a small amount per month to the father for the care of her two children.
After seeing a trend in the way fathers who are custodial parents allow the mothers who are noncustodial parents to pay a smaller amount from the norm, it got me to thinking, why are so many mothers, who are custodial parents demanding noncustodial parents to pay a percentage of their income when in most cases that amount greatly exceed the need of the child or children.
I'm hoping that the laws will change in the future to allow custodial parents to outline the monthly expenses of their child or children when faced with child support. More noncustodial parents will stop evading paying child support and more will spend quality time with their children. Since 1975, over $100 billion is owed in unpaid child support. Of the amount owed, 70% of the noncustodial parents make less than $10,000 annually. The figure continues to grow because of the economy and the high number unemployment rate because of the amount of people being laid off. However, if both parents are working together for the same goals, and those goals are to love, provide, protect, be their physically, emotionally, and spiritually for our children, we are providing the best for our children.
When noncustodial parents pay child support, they are more likely to be involved and spend quality time with their children. Statistic shows that when both mother and father are actively involved in their children' lives, the children do better in school, more likely to go to college, less likely to be involved in drugs, less likely to get pregnant, and less likely to be involved in gangs and violence. It starts with noncustodial parents being treated fairly when it comes to child support. After all it is "child support" not "custodial parent" support. Let's work together to change the laws as it pertains to the monthly amount noncustodial parents pay for child support. You can start by contacting and writing your Senator or State Representative asking them to change the laws and make child support based on the monthly financial needs and expenses of the child or children. We can make a difference and we can strengthen families.
A child needs both parents involved in their life. When one parent abuses or misuses the other parent, a great amount of strain is placed on the relationship. The parent who is absent from the home, the noncustodial parent, will feel resentment and most likely stay away, even at the sacrifice of not seeing his/her child or children. I hear it time and time again from noncustodial parent and in most of my sessions with custodial parents; I communicate the frustrations and desires of noncustodial parents. Some times my message is positively received and other times the emotions of the custodial parents and noncustodial parents perpetuate a great division between both parents.
I strongly believe that if most custodial parents appreciated and respected noncustodial parents many dilemmas between the two parents could be greatly avoided. Also, by no means am I taking away the responsibilities of noncustodial parents, what I see daily are the opportunities being taken away from noncustodial parents. The purpose of me writing and publishing "The Face of Child Support", a nonfiction guide and workbook for both custodial and noncustodial parent is to not only account and share my experiences going through the child support process and sharing others stories and experiences, it is also to make certain that mothers and fathers, custodial and noncustodial parents understand the process of the child support system.
I encourage those that are contemplating, going through or those that have gone through the process to read "The Face of Child Support" because it's appropriate for every phase of the child support process. I also encourage those that are not faced with child support, single men and women, to read "The Face of Child Support" so they are not encountered with the shock of the process if in the future they find themselves in such a situation. My goal in writing "The Face of Child Support" is to lessen the emotional aspect of child support and to provide detailed information of what one will encounter while in the system. The best possible situation for a family is for the mother, father and children to live happily in one household. With today's growing rate of divorce, the alternative is ultimately a broken family. For additional information on "The Face of Child Support" visit www.angeleyespublishingco.com.
When one parent is no longer living in the same household with the other parent and children, a child support battle ensues. It can be made easier with less emotion and with both parents satisfied with the process if the actual expenses of the child or children are taken into consideration. All noncustodial parents will know exactly where the money is being spent and that child support payments are being accounted for. Parenthood is an opportunity and responsibility. So many times one parent takes that away from the other parent. We as parents can make a difference in the lives of our children by providing the best for them. The best for them is both parents actively participating and involved in our children lives and both parents wanting and providing the best for our children. What a wonderful world this would be.
Here are some suggestions to move more towards an amicable relationship with the other parent.
• Decide that your child's or children' best interest is the most important aspect of the relationship with both parents.
• Write a budget for each child. Make a list of all the expenses that is involved with the monthly care and needs of each child.
• Start appreciating the other parent and realize that they make a world of difference in the lives of their children.
• Get past the emotional upsets that caused the relationship to go awry. Parenting without the emotional upsets toward the other parent will open up a new relationship between both parents that will ultimately benefit your children.
• Contact your child support office and let them know that the budgeted amount calculated in as mentioned above in the second point is what you want to receive monthly for child support.
• Contact your Senator or State Representative and let them know that child support law need to be based on the expenses of each child and abolish the percentage of income of the noncustodial parent based laws.
• Watch and see the noncustodial parent playing a more important and bigger role in their child's or children' lives.
• Watch and see the difference in your child or children.
• Better yet, watch and see how your life will ultimately change because of letting go of all the hurt, pain, anger, disappointment, frustrations and whatever other emotional baggage that festered inside of you. Your family will completely change for the better.
I hope that these suggestions are received and are acted upon and that overnight your life, your children' lives and the noncustodial life will change for the better. However, we are all human and it make take some longer than others. The most important aspect of change is wanting to change and wanting what's best for not only ourselves, but for those we love. Start with one suggestion and keep adding each day, each week and whenever you're able to move on.
Take my advice because I have played the role of both custodial and noncustodial parent and I feel and have lived the experiences of both. Trust me, my advice will make a world of difference for your children.
If support payment is based on a noncustodial parent income, then what happens to the excess of the money that is received by the custodial parent once the child's needs are taken care of? Most noncustodial parents want accountability for the payments received. I concur. During the divorce process, both parties are required to present a financial affidavit outlining all their expenses, assets and their income. Why then shouldn't custodial parents outline the monthly expenses of the child or children and present that to establish support payment? If it takes only $500 for a child's monthly expenses and the custodial parent receives $1200, then the remaining $700 is custodial support. Doesn't seem fair does it? The question that was presented to both men and women was should custodial parents be accountable for the child support payment they receive?
Child support laws have changed in many states to include the income of both parents, however, it needs to be changed nationwide for child support to be based on the expenses of each child. Most noncustodial parents would then stop evading child support and those that are reluctant to pay child support will pay child support because it will be based on the expenses and needs of the child. In order to make child support fair to both parents, this small change can be easily implemented when establishing the child support order.
Christy is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend and she came to my office for advice on how to proceed with her relationship with the father of her child. She was initially quite angry and disappointed but elated that she was having a baby. She did not want the father involved with the unborn baby and wanted to do it all by herself. I thought how selfish, but I explained to her that her baby would benefit by having both parents involved in his/her life. In another session, we discuss how much child support she should receive. I asked her to write down all the expenses she would incur from having the baby as well as the budget monthly for caring for the baby. She brought the expenses during a follow-up session and I suggested that is the amount you ask for child support and present the father with the budget. When she came back, her relationship with the father had taken a positive turn. Christy informed me that he was relieved that she was fair and equitable in deciding on the financial responsibility of raising their child.
However, the face of child support is changing. Statistic shows that 85% of custodial parents are mothers and 15% are fathers. The fasting growing segment/population of parents are fathers. More and more fathers are fighting for custody and in today's changing world; more fathers are getting custody of their children.
This is the perfect place to introduce Denise. Denise contacted me last year when her husband, of whom she was separated from, kept her two children when they visited him for the summer. She wanted to know her rights and the rights of her husband. What I told her shocked her. No parent actually has custody of their children unless it is outlined and determined in a divorce decree or in other documentation signed by both parents. I suggested to Denise that when the children come back for the Christmas holiday she could keep the children with her. However, I also suggested that she should have a candid conversation with her children to see where they prefer to live, with mommy or daddy.
At Christmas her two children came to visit, however, Denise did not take my advice. The children went back after the holiday to their father. During her divorce hearing in the following spring, and when the issue of custody was presented, the judge asked, "if you wanted the children with you, why didn't you keep them when they came to visit?" He continued to say, "if you didn't think the father was doing a good job with the children, why did you allow them to stay with him for so long." Denise called me after the hearing and informed me that the father was awarded custody and she should have listened to me.
Denise is not the only mother I know that doesn't have custody of their children and is the noncustodial parent. I have several mothers that I consult that are noncustodial parents. What happens when mothers are noncustodial parents? Do they have to pay the percentage outlined in child support laws? The answer is yes. What I've seen when mothers are noncustodial parents are fathers are more lenient to mothers paying child support and seldom demand that they pay the amount outlined in child support laws. This is the case for Denise. She only pays a small amount per month to the father for the care of her two children.
After seeing a trend in the way fathers who are custodial parents allow the mothers who are noncustodial parents to pay a smaller amount from the norm, it got me to thinking, why are so many mothers, who are custodial parents demanding noncustodial parents to pay a percentage of their income when in most cases that amount greatly exceed the need of the child or children.
I'm hoping that the laws will change in the future to allow custodial parents to outline the monthly expenses of their child or children when faced with child support. More noncustodial parents will stop evading paying child support and more will spend quality time with their children. Since 1975, over $100 billion is owed in unpaid child support. Of the amount owed, 70% of the noncustodial parents make less than $10,000 annually. The figure continues to grow because of the economy and the high number unemployment rate because of the amount of people being laid off. However, if both parents are working together for the same goals, and those goals are to love, provide, protect, be their physically, emotionally, and spiritually for our children, we are providing the best for our children.
When noncustodial parents pay child support, they are more likely to be involved and spend quality time with their children. Statistic shows that when both mother and father are actively involved in their children' lives, the children do better in school, more likely to go to college, less likely to be involved in drugs, less likely to get pregnant, and less likely to be involved in gangs and violence. It starts with noncustodial parents being treated fairly when it comes to child support. After all it is "child support" not "custodial parent" support. Let's work together to change the laws as it pertains to the monthly amount noncustodial parents pay for child support. You can start by contacting and writing your Senator or State Representative asking them to change the laws and make child support based on the monthly financial needs and expenses of the child or children. We can make a difference and we can strengthen families.
A child needs both parents involved in their life. When one parent abuses or misuses the other parent, a great amount of strain is placed on the relationship. The parent who is absent from the home, the noncustodial parent, will feel resentment and most likely stay away, even at the sacrifice of not seeing his/her child or children. I hear it time and time again from noncustodial parent and in most of my sessions with custodial parents; I communicate the frustrations and desires of noncustodial parents. Some times my message is positively received and other times the emotions of the custodial parents and noncustodial parents perpetuate a great division between both parents.
I strongly believe that if most custodial parents appreciated and respected noncustodial parents many dilemmas between the two parents could be greatly avoided. Also, by no means am I taking away the responsibilities of noncustodial parents, what I see daily are the opportunities being taken away from noncustodial parents. The purpose of me writing and publishing "The Face of Child Support", a nonfiction guide and workbook for both custodial and noncustodial parent is to not only account and share my experiences going through the child support process and sharing others stories and experiences, it is also to make certain that mothers and fathers, custodial and noncustodial parents understand the process of the child support system.
I encourage those that are contemplating, going through or those that have gone through the process to read "The Face of Child Support" because it's appropriate for every phase of the child support process. I also encourage those that are not faced with child support, single men and women, to read "The Face of Child Support" so they are not encountered with the shock of the process if in the future they find themselves in such a situation. My goal in writing "The Face of Child Support" is to lessen the emotional aspect of child support and to provide detailed information of what one will encounter while in the system. The best possible situation for a family is for the mother, father and children to live happily in one household. With today's growing rate of divorce, the alternative is ultimately a broken family. For additional information on "The Face of Child Support" visit www.angeleyespublishingco.com.
When one parent is no longer living in the same household with the other parent and children, a child support battle ensues. It can be made easier with less emotion and with both parents satisfied with the process if the actual expenses of the child or children are taken into consideration. All noncustodial parents will know exactly where the money is being spent and that child support payments are being accounted for. Parenthood is an opportunity and responsibility. So many times one parent takes that away from the other parent. We as parents can make a difference in the lives of our children by providing the best for them. The best for them is both parents actively participating and involved in our children lives and both parents wanting and providing the best for our children. What a wonderful world this would be.
Here are some suggestions to move more towards an amicable relationship with the other parent.
• Decide that your child's or children' best interest is the most important aspect of the relationship with both parents.
• Write a budget for each child. Make a list of all the expenses that is involved with the monthly care and needs of each child.
• Start appreciating the other parent and realize that they make a world of difference in the lives of their children.
• Get past the emotional upsets that caused the relationship to go awry. Parenting without the emotional upsets toward the other parent will open up a new relationship between both parents that will ultimately benefit your children.
• Contact your child support office and let them know that the budgeted amount calculated in as mentioned above in the second point is what you want to receive monthly for child support.
• Contact your Senator or State Representative and let them know that child support law need to be based on the expenses of each child and abolish the percentage of income of the noncustodial parent based laws.
• Watch and see the noncustodial parent playing a more important and bigger role in their child's or children' lives.
• Watch and see the difference in your child or children.
• Better yet, watch and see how your life will ultimately change because of letting go of all the hurt, pain, anger, disappointment, frustrations and whatever other emotional baggage that festered inside of you. Your family will completely change for the better.
I hope that these suggestions are received and are acted upon and that overnight your life, your children' lives and the noncustodial life will change for the better. However, we are all human and it make take some longer than others. The most important aspect of change is wanting to change and wanting what's best for not only ourselves, but for those we love. Start with one suggestion and keep adding each day, each week and whenever you're able to move on.
Take my advice because I have played the role of both custodial and noncustodial parent and I feel and have lived the experiences of both. Trust me, my advice will make a world of difference for your children.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus But We Live Here On Earth So Can We Just Get Along And Stay Married?
If you’ve been married, you’re quite familiar with these words, "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part." Or you may have been creative and wrote your own wedding vows. How long do these words last in our marriages? For me, two years and I was divorced. I thought, when I get married, I would be married for the rest of my life. I can remember during our engagement, we talked about being together in our nineties and still walking with each other. We couldn’t wait to be married. Then, why am I divorced? Why are you divorced? Why don’t marriages last? And, how many of us actually go into a marriage thinking we are going to get a divorce?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren’t marriages working and why aren’t we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today’s society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationships she discovered were people cohabitating, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that’s exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren’t going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman’s view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for “Irreconcilable Differences.” Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. One of the popular books that attempts to differentiate between men and women is titled, Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus published in May 1992 by John Gray. The book offers many suggestions for improving men-women relationships in couples by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily here on Earth. What a wonderful world that will be! I’m willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce.
Here are some frequently cited reasons for causing divorce:
• Lack of commitment to the marriage
• Lack of communication between spouses
• Infidelity
• Abandonment
• Alcohol Addiction
• Substance Abuse
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Inability to manage or resolve conflict
• Personality Differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’
• Differences in personal and career goals
• Financial problems
• Different expectations about household tasks
• Different expectations about having or rearing children
• Interference from parents or in-laws
• Lack of maturity
• Intellectual Incompatibility
• Sexual Incompatibility
• Insistence of sticking to traditional roles and not allowing room for personal growth
• Falling out of love
• Religious conversion or religious beliefs
• Cultural and lifestyle differences
• Inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies
• Mental Instability or Mental Illness
• Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime
During my producer’s research on relationships, she found a research done on the causes of divorce and it reveals that--
• Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce. A marriage is on the rocks when the lines of communication fail. You can’t have an effective relationship if either one of you won’t discuss your feelings, can’t talk about your mutual or personal issues, will keep your resentments simmering under wraps, and expect your partner to guess what the whole problem is about.
• Divorces often happen because people rarely discuss their expectations in detail prior to marriage, are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards, and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues. People have gotten divorced for trivial reasons like snoring.
• People who come from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced than people who come from happily married households. Divorce seems less like a big deal if you have seen your parents go through with it.
• People who get married between the ages of 23-27 are more likely to stay together than people who get married in their teens.
• People who cohabit before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who didn’t cohabit before marriage.
• In many cases, quite a few of the problems that cause divorce have existed in the couple’s relationship long before they got married. The problems were either not acknowledged or were ignored in the fond hope that marriage might offer a miraculous panacea. And, guess what, it doesn’t. Nobody can make you feel better about yourself and you can’t change and save anybody. As someone wise once said, it takes two wholes to make a marriage, not two halves.
Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I’m ready, are you?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren’t marriages working and why aren’t we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today’s society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationships she discovered were people cohabitating, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that’s exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren’t going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman’s view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for “Irreconcilable Differences.” Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. One of the popular books that attempts to differentiate between men and women is titled, Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus published in May 1992 by John Gray. The book offers many suggestions for improving men-women relationships in couples by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily here on Earth. What a wonderful world that will be! I’m willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce.
Here are some frequently cited reasons for causing divorce:
• Lack of commitment to the marriage
• Lack of communication between spouses
• Infidelity
• Abandonment
• Alcohol Addiction
• Substance Abuse
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Inability to manage or resolve conflict
• Personality Differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’
• Differences in personal and career goals
• Financial problems
• Different expectations about household tasks
• Different expectations about having or rearing children
• Interference from parents or in-laws
• Lack of maturity
• Intellectual Incompatibility
• Sexual Incompatibility
• Insistence of sticking to traditional roles and not allowing room for personal growth
• Falling out of love
• Religious conversion or religious beliefs
• Cultural and lifestyle differences
• Inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies
• Mental Instability or Mental Illness
• Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime
During my producer’s research on relationships, she found a research done on the causes of divorce and it reveals that--
• Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce. A marriage is on the rocks when the lines of communication fail. You can’t have an effective relationship if either one of you won’t discuss your feelings, can’t talk about your mutual or personal issues, will keep your resentments simmering under wraps, and expect your partner to guess what the whole problem is about.
• Divorces often happen because people rarely discuss their expectations in detail prior to marriage, are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards, and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues. People have gotten divorced for trivial reasons like snoring.
• People who come from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced than people who come from happily married households. Divorce seems less like a big deal if you have seen your parents go through with it.
• People who get married between the ages of 23-27 are more likely to stay together than people who get married in their teens.
• People who cohabit before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who didn’t cohabit before marriage.
• In many cases, quite a few of the problems that cause divorce have existed in the couple’s relationship long before they got married. The problems were either not acknowledged or were ignored in the fond hope that marriage might offer a miraculous panacea. And, guess what, it doesn’t. Nobody can make you feel better about yourself and you can’t change and save anybody. As someone wise once said, it takes two wholes to make a marriage, not two halves.
Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I’m ready, are you?
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Survival of the Traditional Family, Is The Traditional Family Becoming Endangered?
I was startled by the statistics for the divorce rate in the United States. The divorce rate for first marriages is 51%, for second marriages it is 67% and 74% for third marriages. What baffled me was that the divorce rate increased from first marriages to third marriages. I was under the assumption that you learn from your mistakes and that you bring the experiences in your previous marriage to make the second marriage last. I am too a first marriage divorcee with children. How many families do you know that have the biological parents in the same household happily married? Is the traditional family becoming extinct and how can we prevent traditional family from becoming endangered?
“WWF safeguards hundreds of species around the world, but focus special attention on flagship species: giant pandas, tigers, polar bears, endangered whales and dolphins, rhinos, elephants, marine turtles and great apes. These species not only need special measures and extra protection in order to survive, they also serve as umbrella species: helping them helps numerous other species that live in the same habitats.” After watching Academy Award winner Halle Berry on national television on the Oprah show stating that she wants a baby but not to get married again, I was appalled and first realized that the traditional family is too endangered. In a country with freedom of speech, I wish that statement were censored.
Before a plant or animal species can receive protection under the Endangered Species Act, it must first be placed on the Federal list of endangered and threatened wildlife and plants. I am pushing for an endangered list for the traditional family. When mentioning the government, there are programs such as the Healthy Marriage Initiative that focuses on strengthening marriages and “to help couples, who have chosen marriage for themselves, gain greater access to marriage education services, on a voluntary basis, where they can acquire the skills and knowledge necessary to form and sustain a healthy marriage.” According to Halle Berry’s statement and the above statistics, we have to do more to encourage marriages and to make marriages last.
An “endangered” species is one that is in danger of extinction throughout all or a significant portion of its range. A “threatened” species is one that is likely to become endangered in the foreseeable future. Are we threatening to become endangered?
The benefits of strengthening families goes beyond the immediate family, it extends to our community, our nation and ultimately the world. When you have a strong family, the traditional family, you have strong individuals, mothers, fathers, and children. When you have strong families, you have strong communities. The economics of a healthy marriage can make a profound impact on the community. With our current economic condition and the correlation with the above divorce statistics, one can conclude that stronger families make stronger communities. Furthermore, researchers have found that there are many benefits to the traditional family unit and healthy marriages.
For our children, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. More likely to attend college
2. More likely to succeed academically
3. Physically healthier
4. Emotionally healthier
5. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
6. Demonstrate less behavioral problems in school
7. Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse
8. Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol
9. Less likely to commit delinquent behaviors
10. Have a better relationship with their mothers and fathers
11. Decreases their chances of divorcing when they get married
12. Less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, or impregnate someone.
13. Less likely to be sexually active as teenagers
14. Less likely to contract STD's
15. Less likely to be raised in poverty
For women, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. More satisfying relationship
2. Emotionally healthier
3. Wealthier
4. Less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other violent crimes
5. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
6. Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
7. Less likely to contract STD's
8. Less likely to remain or end up in poverty
9. Have better relationships with their children
10. Physically healthier
For men, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. Live longer
2. Physically healthier
3. Wealthier
4. Increase in the stability of employment
5. Higher wages
6. Emotionally healthier
7. Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
8. Have better relationships with their children
9. More satisfying sexual relationship
10. Less likely to commit violent crimes
11. Less likely to contract STD's
12. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
For our communities, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. Higher rates of physically healthy citizens
2. Higher rates of emotionally healthy citizens
3. Higher rates of educated citizens
4. Lower domestic violence rates
5. Lower crime statistics
6. Lower teen age pregnancy rates
7. Lower rates of juvenile delinquency
8. Higher rates of home ownership
9. Lower rates of migration
10. Higher property values
11. Decreased need for social services
The benefits of staying together and working toward healthy marriages is a benefit that is a win-win-win-win for our children, women, men, and our communities. One important benefit of the traditional family is that a family stays together. Can we find a way back to the traditional family and stop the cycle of the divorce rates?
We can start by working toward building stronger relationships and teaching our children how to form and maintain strong relationships. I often times tell my oldest son that when he gets married that divorce is not an option so select a good wife. He was at an age where he saw the ravages of my divorce and witness the negative affects divorce has not only on children, but also on both parents. I’m pushing for him not to repeat the cycle and working on me that when I take the step to get married again, this time it would be a healthy marriage that can be a model for my sons.
“WWF safeguards hundreds of species around the world, but focus special attention on flagship species: giant pandas, tigers, polar bears, endangered whales and dolphins, rhinos, elephants, marine turtles and great apes. These species not only need special measures and extra protection in order to survive, they also serve as umbrella species: helping them helps numerous other species that live in the same habitats.” After watching Academy Award winner Halle Berry on national television on the Oprah show stating that she wants a baby but not to get married again, I was appalled and first realized that the traditional family is too endangered. In a country with freedom of speech, I wish that statement were censored.
Before a plant or animal species can receive protection under the Endangered Species Act, it must first be placed on the Federal list of endangered and threatened wildlife and plants. I am pushing for an endangered list for the traditional family. When mentioning the government, there are programs such as the Healthy Marriage Initiative that focuses on strengthening marriages and “to help couples, who have chosen marriage for themselves, gain greater access to marriage education services, on a voluntary basis, where they can acquire the skills and knowledge necessary to form and sustain a healthy marriage.” According to Halle Berry’s statement and the above statistics, we have to do more to encourage marriages and to make marriages last.
An “endangered” species is one that is in danger of extinction throughout all or a significant portion of its range. A “threatened” species is one that is likely to become endangered in the foreseeable future. Are we threatening to become endangered?
The benefits of strengthening families goes beyond the immediate family, it extends to our community, our nation and ultimately the world. When you have a strong family, the traditional family, you have strong individuals, mothers, fathers, and children. When you have strong families, you have strong communities. The economics of a healthy marriage can make a profound impact on the community. With our current economic condition and the correlation with the above divorce statistics, one can conclude that stronger families make stronger communities. Furthermore, researchers have found that there are many benefits to the traditional family unit and healthy marriages.
For our children, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. More likely to attend college
2. More likely to succeed academically
3. Physically healthier
4. Emotionally healthier
5. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
6. Demonstrate less behavioral problems in school
7. Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse
8. Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol
9. Less likely to commit delinquent behaviors
10. Have a better relationship with their mothers and fathers
11. Decreases their chances of divorcing when they get married
12. Less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, or impregnate someone.
13. Less likely to be sexually active as teenagers
14. Less likely to contract STD's
15. Less likely to be raised in poverty
For women, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. More satisfying relationship
2. Emotionally healthier
3. Wealthier
4. Less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other violent crimes
5. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
6. Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
7. Less likely to contract STD's
8. Less likely to remain or end up in poverty
9. Have better relationships with their children
10. Physically healthier
For men, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. Live longer
2. Physically healthier
3. Wealthier
4. Increase in the stability of employment
5. Higher wages
6. Emotionally healthier
7. Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
8. Have better relationships with their children
9. More satisfying sexual relationship
10. Less likely to commit violent crimes
11. Less likely to contract STD's
12. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
For our communities, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. Higher rates of physically healthy citizens
2. Higher rates of emotionally healthy citizens
3. Higher rates of educated citizens
4. Lower domestic violence rates
5. Lower crime statistics
6. Lower teen age pregnancy rates
7. Lower rates of juvenile delinquency
8. Higher rates of home ownership
9. Lower rates of migration
10. Higher property values
11. Decreased need for social services
The benefits of staying together and working toward healthy marriages is a benefit that is a win-win-win-win for our children, women, men, and our communities. One important benefit of the traditional family is that a family stays together. Can we find a way back to the traditional family and stop the cycle of the divorce rates?
We can start by working toward building stronger relationships and teaching our children how to form and maintain strong relationships. I often times tell my oldest son that when he gets married that divorce is not an option so select a good wife. He was at an age where he saw the ravages of my divorce and witness the negative affects divorce has not only on children, but also on both parents. I’m pushing for him not to repeat the cycle and working on me that when I take the step to get married again, this time it would be a healthy marriage that can be a model for my sons.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Out Of Sight, Not Out Of Mind - Advice For A Noncustodial Parent
Oscar is a very caring, loving and considerate father. Each time I consulted Oscar regarding his divorce, what resonated in our conversations is his love for his only daughter. He would tell me about rescheduling his work so he could be home when his daughter came home from elementary school. His stories and memories about all the quality times he spent with his daughter was a father’s mourning of loosing his daughter to a divorce. Due to job change and career advancement, Oscar moved away from his daughter to another state. His decision has haunted him and he wonders if he made the right decision because he doesn’t speak with his daughter on a daily basis. What adjustments must noncustodial parents make in their lives to cope with no longer being the primary parent?
Oscar’s situation is all too common. Noncustodial parents, mothers or fathers, feel a missing link once they no longer share the daily opportunities and responsibilities of being a parent. Routines once shared and sacrifices once made become a void in their lives. Another culprit to his missing his daughter is his ex-wife’s constant negative conversations about him to his daughter. Often times in situations like this, I want to talk to both parents because children’ love for each parent is not predicated on the relationship of the parents. Even if the divorce was bad, a child needs to feel loved by both parents. The biggest mistake of parents is involving their children in their vendetta against the other parent. Parents should never, ever resort to this action because it ultimately has a negative affect on the children. This was the case for Oscar.
Oscar use to come to me very disappointed and upset that his daughter doesn’t call him on a regular basis. He wanted her to call him everyday after school when she gets home. What Oscar had to realize and had problems with was moving on with his life. Moving on with his life did not mean that he loved his daughter less; it means that his life has changed since the divorce and now he had to make the adjustment.
Here is the advice that was given to Oscar so that he could adjust to no longer being an everyday parent:
• Converse with his daughter as to why he moved to another state.
• Explain to her the importance of calling him when she gets home.
• Realize that his daughter is a teenager and her life will become busy with school activities and friends and that a call every day may have to be three times during the week.
• Get involve with other activities or in the community.
• Try to establish a friendly relationship with the ex-wife for the sake of his daughter.
• Plan trips for daughter to visit or visit daughter.
• When with daughter, have a wonderful time. The times shared with her will also be embedded in her memories.
• Never talk bad about her mother with her.
• Start going out with friends and/or on dates.
A divorce is always difficult when children are involved. The difference is how both parents respond and react to the next phase of their lives. Children are so impressionable and want to be loved by both parents. Oscar’s love for his daughter is evident in our sessions. He has taken my advice and is much more understanding of his daughter as well as he’s involved in community sports and in a relationship. It was quite obvious that Oscar needed a little adjustment in his life in order for him to cope with not being in his daughter’s day-to-day life.
Parenting from afar is common in today’s society, however, out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind.
Oscar’s situation is all too common. Noncustodial parents, mothers or fathers, feel a missing link once they no longer share the daily opportunities and responsibilities of being a parent. Routines once shared and sacrifices once made become a void in their lives. Another culprit to his missing his daughter is his ex-wife’s constant negative conversations about him to his daughter. Often times in situations like this, I want to talk to both parents because children’ love for each parent is not predicated on the relationship of the parents. Even if the divorce was bad, a child needs to feel loved by both parents. The biggest mistake of parents is involving their children in their vendetta against the other parent. Parents should never, ever resort to this action because it ultimately has a negative affect on the children. This was the case for Oscar.
Oscar use to come to me very disappointed and upset that his daughter doesn’t call him on a regular basis. He wanted her to call him everyday after school when she gets home. What Oscar had to realize and had problems with was moving on with his life. Moving on with his life did not mean that he loved his daughter less; it means that his life has changed since the divorce and now he had to make the adjustment.
Here is the advice that was given to Oscar so that he could adjust to no longer being an everyday parent:
• Converse with his daughter as to why he moved to another state.
• Explain to her the importance of calling him when she gets home.
• Realize that his daughter is a teenager and her life will become busy with school activities and friends and that a call every day may have to be three times during the week.
• Get involve with other activities or in the community.
• Try to establish a friendly relationship with the ex-wife for the sake of his daughter.
• Plan trips for daughter to visit or visit daughter.
• When with daughter, have a wonderful time. The times shared with her will also be embedded in her memories.
• Never talk bad about her mother with her.
• Start going out with friends and/or on dates.
A divorce is always difficult when children are involved. The difference is how both parents respond and react to the next phase of their lives. Children are so impressionable and want to be loved by both parents. Oscar’s love for his daughter is evident in our sessions. He has taken my advice and is much more understanding of his daughter as well as he’s involved in community sports and in a relationship. It was quite obvious that Oscar needed a little adjustment in his life in order for him to cope with not being in his daughter’s day-to-day life.
Parenting from afar is common in today’s society, however, out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Are You Too Busy to Discipline Your Child? Nine Ways to Help With Disciplining Your Child.
As I was walking around the furniture store, I saw this little girl, she couldn’t be no more than five years old, and as she ran around the furniture store she ran into a floor model clock and knocked it over. My first thought when I saw this little girl running around without a parent in sight was where’s the parent? When the parent finally appeared, she immediately scolded her daughter. What I really wanted to do is to scold the parent. Rewind….if that was one or both of my sons, they will be next to me looking at furniture helping me decide which sofa, dining room set, bedroom set, etc. to purchase. Why do parents not discipline their children but when the children misbehave in public, parents scold them? Are we too busy with living that we are not being the best parent we can be?
The question is rhetorical because I know the answer to the question. Yes, we are too busy with life that we are too tired to train our children in the way that they must go. As parents, we are faced with working, cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, shopping for food, school supplies, and clothes and the list goes on. Once at home, we are tired and just want to retreat to our room. Who has time to discipline our children? There is still hope and still time in our days, in our life to discipline our children. I have a few suggestions that may work for you, as it has worked for me. Here are some suggestions:
1. Start training your children at home. When they do something at home, immediately bring it to their attention and tell them what they did wrong and how to correct it.
2. Do not get tired of teaching your children. One of the most important roles we play in life is that of a parent. You stay on the job as a parent longer than any other jobs you may attain.
3. Be a role model for your children. I often think about how I want my boys to be when they grow up. Some of the qualities that come to mind are respectful, ambitious, successful, loving, caring, independent, dependable and adventurous. I set an example for them in all that I do and in my interaction with them to be a good role model.
4. Spend quality time with your children regularly. Some of our favorite things to do are to go to the movies and the bookstore, I allow my oldest son to cook dinner two times a week and I help him prepare the food. Helping with homework is one key way that I spend quality with my sons. We also play together.
5. Communicate with your children. It is very important to keep an open dialogue with your children and listen to what they are saying. I know some of my most important lessons in life were learned from conversations with my children. Communication is not only talking but the ability to listen.
6. Be involved with your children, participate and support them in their activities in the community, at school, at church, etc. It’s important for parents to support their children in activities they participate in. For instance, do you attend your child’s sporting event, science fair, or school activities? If not, get involved.
7. Love your children and put them first. You will be amazed by how many parents forsake their children for just about anything. Don’t be one of those parents. Love your children with all your heart and always think, what can I do for them and how can I be a positive influence on them.
8. Don’t allow your anger, frustrations and emotions to interfere with your ability to parent. Most parents allow their children to get away with misbehaving time after time. That one time when a child does something wrong and the parent is emotional upset or distraught over something else, they take it out on the child. Never allow this to happen. Be consistent in your training of your children.
9. Talk to family members and friends that are parents to get other good suggestions and see what works for them.
The role of a parent is a never ending responsibility. The most important aspect of my life is that of being a parent. My actions, my words, everything I do are all influences on my children. I enjoy being a parent, with the constant disciplining, I’m most proud of the results when I interact with my children at home and in public.
Don’t be the parent that allows your child to run wild in public places; it’s a reflection on you. Start disciplining your children and you’ll be greatly rewarded when you children is in public and interact with others.
The question is rhetorical because I know the answer to the question. Yes, we are too busy with life that we are too tired to train our children in the way that they must go. As parents, we are faced with working, cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, shopping for food, school supplies, and clothes and the list goes on. Once at home, we are tired and just want to retreat to our room. Who has time to discipline our children? There is still hope and still time in our days, in our life to discipline our children. I have a few suggestions that may work for you, as it has worked for me. Here are some suggestions:
1. Start training your children at home. When they do something at home, immediately bring it to their attention and tell them what they did wrong and how to correct it.
2. Do not get tired of teaching your children. One of the most important roles we play in life is that of a parent. You stay on the job as a parent longer than any other jobs you may attain.
3. Be a role model for your children. I often think about how I want my boys to be when they grow up. Some of the qualities that come to mind are respectful, ambitious, successful, loving, caring, independent, dependable and adventurous. I set an example for them in all that I do and in my interaction with them to be a good role model.
4. Spend quality time with your children regularly. Some of our favorite things to do are to go to the movies and the bookstore, I allow my oldest son to cook dinner two times a week and I help him prepare the food. Helping with homework is one key way that I spend quality with my sons. We also play together.
5. Communicate with your children. It is very important to keep an open dialogue with your children and listen to what they are saying. I know some of my most important lessons in life were learned from conversations with my children. Communication is not only talking but the ability to listen.
6. Be involved with your children, participate and support them in their activities in the community, at school, at church, etc. It’s important for parents to support their children in activities they participate in. For instance, do you attend your child’s sporting event, science fair, or school activities? If not, get involved.
7. Love your children and put them first. You will be amazed by how many parents forsake their children for just about anything. Don’t be one of those parents. Love your children with all your heart and always think, what can I do for them and how can I be a positive influence on them.
8. Don’t allow your anger, frustrations and emotions to interfere with your ability to parent. Most parents allow their children to get away with misbehaving time after time. That one time when a child does something wrong and the parent is emotional upset or distraught over something else, they take it out on the child. Never allow this to happen. Be consistent in your training of your children.
9. Talk to family members and friends that are parents to get other good suggestions and see what works for them.
The role of a parent is a never ending responsibility. The most important aspect of my life is that of being a parent. My actions, my words, everything I do are all influences on my children. I enjoy being a parent, with the constant disciplining, I’m most proud of the results when I interact with my children at home and in public.
Don’t be the parent that allows your child to run wild in public places; it’s a reflection on you. Start disciplining your children and you’ll be greatly rewarded when you children is in public and interact with others.
Monday, August 24, 2009
For The Sake of Our Children
Child support or the lack there of is a serious problem as well as a divisive issue between mothers and fathers. When you hear those two words, “child support” one immediately thinks about the financial support one parent provides the other. However, child support is much, much more than the financial obligation, child support is the total relationship between both parents. Think about those two words “child support” and what do they mean to you? Your answer will play an integral role in how you relate to the other parent.
Let’s turn those two words around “child support” to mean “support child.” As parents, we have allowed our emotions and the lack of parental responsibilities toward the other parent to guide us in our role as parents. We have forgotten that as parents our responsibility is to raise/support our children and make a better world for them. The price of parenthood is responsibility to our children. This sounds so farfetched to some parents because their whole existence has been to exact revenge, to hate, to keep away and to make the other parent’s life a living hell.
There are over 16 million families in the child support system. Mothers comprised the 85% that are custodial parents and fathers make up the 15% that are noncustodial parents. Since 1975, over $100 billion is owed in unpaid, uncollected child support. Why are noncustodial parents evading and resisting paying child support? The answer can be found in one easy question, how do they relate to the other parent? There are so many parenting books, articles, and materials that you can read, however, the one important aspect of parenting is the relationship we have with the other parent. Do you speak to the other parent? Do you respect the other parent? Do you talk bad about the other parent to your children? The questions are endless; however we must begin to form a lovely relationship with the other parent for the sake of our children.
During my consulting sessions with noncustodial parents and through information compiled from my workshops, I’ve found that the number one reason noncustodial parents evade or is reluctant to pay child support and their anger, animosity and frustration with their ability to be an effective parents is their relationship with the other parent. Regardless of the existing relationship with the other parent, it is time and it is important that you begin to form, to create, to make certain that at least an amicable relationship exist between you and the other parent. Our children deserve the best from both parents. When we allow our emotions to dictate our role as parents, we are failing our children, we are failing as parents. Let’s strengthen the relationship with the other parent by first letting go of the past and letting go of negative emotions.
Both parents must, for the sake of our children, begin to learn how to communicate with the other parent. First, start by answering this question, what is your relationship with the other parent? The answer plays a major role in the rest of your children lives. What you do now does affect them for the rest of their lives.
Visit www.angeleyespublishingco.com to learn more about how you can strengthen the relationship with the other parent. We owe it to our children to support them.
Let’s turn those two words around “child support” to mean “support child.” As parents, we have allowed our emotions and the lack of parental responsibilities toward the other parent to guide us in our role as parents. We have forgotten that as parents our responsibility is to raise/support our children and make a better world for them. The price of parenthood is responsibility to our children. This sounds so farfetched to some parents because their whole existence has been to exact revenge, to hate, to keep away and to make the other parent’s life a living hell.
There are over 16 million families in the child support system. Mothers comprised the 85% that are custodial parents and fathers make up the 15% that are noncustodial parents. Since 1975, over $100 billion is owed in unpaid, uncollected child support. Why are noncustodial parents evading and resisting paying child support? The answer can be found in one easy question, how do they relate to the other parent? There are so many parenting books, articles, and materials that you can read, however, the one important aspect of parenting is the relationship we have with the other parent. Do you speak to the other parent? Do you respect the other parent? Do you talk bad about the other parent to your children? The questions are endless; however we must begin to form a lovely relationship with the other parent for the sake of our children.
During my consulting sessions with noncustodial parents and through information compiled from my workshops, I’ve found that the number one reason noncustodial parents evade or is reluctant to pay child support and their anger, animosity and frustration with their ability to be an effective parents is their relationship with the other parent. Regardless of the existing relationship with the other parent, it is time and it is important that you begin to form, to create, to make certain that at least an amicable relationship exist between you and the other parent. Our children deserve the best from both parents. When we allow our emotions to dictate our role as parents, we are failing our children, we are failing as parents. Let’s strengthen the relationship with the other parent by first letting go of the past and letting go of negative emotions.
Both parents must, for the sake of our children, begin to learn how to communicate with the other parent. First, start by answering this question, what is your relationship with the other parent? The answer plays a major role in the rest of your children lives. What you do now does affect them for the rest of their lives.
Visit www.angeleyespublishingco.com to learn more about how you can strengthen the relationship with the other parent. We owe it to our children to support them.
Monday, August 17, 2009
We Are Cursing Our Children If....
Even though we vary in parenting styles, even if we are no longer together, and even though we have a child or children together, can we agree on one thing? Can we all just get along as parents? I can’t say it enough, when we are no longer with the other parent of our children, we must get past the anger, hurt, devastation, and upsets that we experienced with the other parent. Why is this important? It’s important because our actions toward the other parent can be detrimental or even fatal to our children. We are affecting our children emotionally and putting them in matters that they have no business in. When we talk bad about the other parent in the presence of our children and teach our children to disrespect the other parent, we are cursing our children.
Let me re-introduce a law that you may have heard of before. This law stands the test of time. It’s one that is taught in Sunday schools and one that your parents may have taught you. This law states, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.” Parents, when we teach, instruct and cause our children to disrespect, dishonor the other parent, we are inherently cursing our children. It doesn’t matter what religion, nationality, age, race, or creed, this law is universal and affects everyone.
The commandment did not say honor one parent, a mother or a father, it was specific, it said honor both parents. I love my two sons, and there is nothing I want more is for them to live a long, spiritual, happy, successful and prosperous life. I caution what I say to them and teach them to not only love their fathers, but also to respect and honor their fathers.
Just recently my oldest my son called me about something his father did. He said “mommy, I had to keep my mouth shut before I said something I would regret to him.” I was so proud of him. I asked and he explained to me what happened and then said to him, “I can’t go against your father, however, I’m here to listen to you and offer my advice on how you can cope with what you are feeling.”
One of the growing problems that children are facing is parental alienation clinically known as Parental Alienation Syndrome.
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?
This is the definition of PAS as described by R.A. Gardner who discovered the syndrome and has become an expert in dealing with the issue.
Gardner's definition of PAS is:
"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."
“Basically, this means that through verbal and nonverbal thoughts, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent in front of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.”
Parents who knowing or unknowing do this, there is a clinical name for what you are doing. So, let’s start a new campaign. I’m calling it STOP and START. Let’s STOP cursing our children and teach them to love the other parent unconditionally. For parents to accomplish this, we must START to get past the hurt, anger and animosity that exists between us and the other parent and START to appreciate the gift that the other parent is in our children lives.
Can we agree on one thing, our children deserve to live a prolonged life.
Let me re-introduce a law that you may have heard of before. This law stands the test of time. It’s one that is taught in Sunday schools and one that your parents may have taught you. This law states, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.” Parents, when we teach, instruct and cause our children to disrespect, dishonor the other parent, we are inherently cursing our children. It doesn’t matter what religion, nationality, age, race, or creed, this law is universal and affects everyone.
The commandment did not say honor one parent, a mother or a father, it was specific, it said honor both parents. I love my two sons, and there is nothing I want more is for them to live a long, spiritual, happy, successful and prosperous life. I caution what I say to them and teach them to not only love their fathers, but also to respect and honor their fathers.
Just recently my oldest my son called me about something his father did. He said “mommy, I had to keep my mouth shut before I said something I would regret to him.” I was so proud of him. I asked and he explained to me what happened and then said to him, “I can’t go against your father, however, I’m here to listen to you and offer my advice on how you can cope with what you are feeling.”
One of the growing problems that children are facing is parental alienation clinically known as Parental Alienation Syndrome.
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?
This is the definition of PAS as described by R.A. Gardner who discovered the syndrome and has become an expert in dealing with the issue.
Gardner's definition of PAS is:
"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."
“Basically, this means that through verbal and nonverbal thoughts, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent in front of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.”
Parents who knowing or unknowing do this, there is a clinical name for what you are doing. So, let’s start a new campaign. I’m calling it STOP and START. Let’s STOP cursing our children and teach them to love the other parent unconditionally. For parents to accomplish this, we must START to get past the hurt, anger and animosity that exists between us and the other parent and START to appreciate the gift that the other parent is in our children lives.
Can we agree on one thing, our children deserve to live a prolonged life.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Who’s Going to Step Up?
“I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way.” In today’s society, did we forget about this song that was once popular. Or, has parenting changed from our parents and grandparents. I can remember as a child that I would get spanking and reprimanded for just about everything I did wrong. I seldom recall, but on few occasions getting praised for something by my parents. Have we lost the sense to discipline our children?
I have two sons, 15 and 5 years old. I can remember on several occasions a waitress or waiter would tell me, I wish more parents were like you to discipline their children when they do wrong. No, I am not a tyrant or Mommy dearest, but I do know that “teach a child in the way that he must go and when he is old enough, he will not depart from it.” I want each of my sons to have the best in life, and that comes from having great character, discipline, respectful and most of all to love themselves.
I have seen parents let kids run wild in restaurants. I’ve seen parents allow their children to talk back to them. I’ve know parents who do not want to take their children out because they are embarrassed of how their children behave. Now, I think, whose fault is that, and my response is always, the parents’ fault.
Are we living in a society when more single parents are raising their children and they tire of disciplining them? Are we letting our children being raised by video games, text messaging or by music that have derogatory meaning and disrespectful in nature? Are so many absent fathers affecting children that they have no respect for their fathers or for others?
The answers are many, however, we must as parents take control of our children’ lives and bring discipline back as a way of teaching our children right from wrong. If we allow our children to get away with misdeeds now, they are learning that they can get away with anything and not have any consequences or accountability. As a child in your home, that may seem okay to you, however to society, that child is a menace to society. That same child that did not get disciplined at home will more than likely fall in the juvenile system or even be tried as an adult.
Therefore, our children are our future. It is our responsibility as parents to teach them well so they can lead the way. Take a look at your parenting style and honestly answer the question, have you taught your child in a way that when he/she is older, they will not depart from your teaching?
I have two sons, 15 and 5 years old. I can remember on several occasions a waitress or waiter would tell me, I wish more parents were like you to discipline their children when they do wrong. No, I am not a tyrant or Mommy dearest, but I do know that “teach a child in the way that he must go and when he is old enough, he will not depart from it.” I want each of my sons to have the best in life, and that comes from having great character, discipline, respectful and most of all to love themselves.
I have seen parents let kids run wild in restaurants. I’ve seen parents allow their children to talk back to them. I’ve know parents who do not want to take their children out because they are embarrassed of how their children behave. Now, I think, whose fault is that, and my response is always, the parents’ fault.
Are we living in a society when more single parents are raising their children and they tire of disciplining them? Are we letting our children being raised by video games, text messaging or by music that have derogatory meaning and disrespectful in nature? Are so many absent fathers affecting children that they have no respect for their fathers or for others?
The answers are many, however, we must as parents take control of our children’ lives and bring discipline back as a way of teaching our children right from wrong. If we allow our children to get away with misdeeds now, they are learning that they can get away with anything and not have any consequences or accountability. As a child in your home, that may seem okay to you, however to society, that child is a menace to society. That same child that did not get disciplined at home will more than likely fall in the juvenile system or even be tried as an adult.
Therefore, our children are our future. It is our responsibility as parents to teach them well so they can lead the way. Take a look at your parenting style and honestly answer the question, have you taught your child in a way that when he/she is older, they will not depart from your teaching?
Monday, August 3, 2009
MVP - Most Valuable Parent
One of the greatest problems affecting families, especially children, is fatherless homes. The majority of children in single parent homes have not seen there fathers in years, some their lifetime. Even though more fathers are playing key roles and are actively participating in the lives of their children, the fathers that have abandoned their children are even more devastating. The number of absent fathers is astonishing.
One in four children have not seen their fathers in five years. The effects of absent fathers on teenagers are negative. Teenage girls will more likely become pregnant and teenage boys will more likely be involved in violence. The paths to fatherless homes are through divorce and children being born out of wedlock.
Now, how can we prevent or lessen this phenomenon of fatherless homes? The question is perplexed and the answers are many, however, the first step begins before a child is conceived. We have to begin to make better decisions and choices about the person we are dating, both men and women. And while we are dating, we have to delve deep into the other person’s character by getting to know the person much better than we have been doing in the past.
I know adults who have never seen their fathers or do not know who their fathers are. As parents, we have negatively affected our children by taken away the most valuable asset they can have, two loving parents actively involved in their lives.
Are you a MVP?
One in four children have not seen their fathers in five years. The effects of absent fathers on teenagers are negative. Teenage girls will more likely become pregnant and teenage boys will more likely be involved in violence. The paths to fatherless homes are through divorce and children being born out of wedlock.
Now, how can we prevent or lessen this phenomenon of fatherless homes? The question is perplexed and the answers are many, however, the first step begins before a child is conceived. We have to begin to make better decisions and choices about the person we are dating, both men and women. And while we are dating, we have to delve deep into the other person’s character by getting to know the person much better than we have been doing in the past.
I know adults who have never seen their fathers or do not know who their fathers are. As parents, we have negatively affected our children by taken away the most valuable asset they can have, two loving parents actively involved in their lives.
Are you a MVP?
Monday, July 27, 2009
From The Mouths of Babes
I’m astonished as to the number of parents that have problems getting along after a divorce or breakup. If it is not one parent arguing or carrying on about one thing or the other, it’s both of them. I remember when I was going through my divorce and we both still lived in the same household, when he would come home from work, my two boys and I would be in the room watching a movie or TV and he would come in arguing about something. My youngest son was only two at the time and what he did and said put everything in perspective. He simple turned to his father and said, shh, we’re watching TV. That simple. From that moment on, I knew that whatever conversation, whatever argument I had with my husband at the time, it would not occur around the children.
When are parents going to realize that our actions adversely affects our children? Are we too emotionally caught up in the relationship or angry at the other person that we can not control ourselves around our children? I’m taking my son’s advice and being quiet when they are around. The other parent can argue or fuss until their blue in the face but as for me, I’m going to consider what my actions are having on my children.
I completely understand that our emotions are tied into the relationship with the other parent, however, our love and respect for our children should be paramount and supersede our emotions toward the other parent. So before you say another word around your children arguing and fussing with the other parent, consider this, shh.
Wait until they are not around and then resolve the issue/conflict. However, the best thing is to learn how to communicate and get past all the hurt and animosity that exist between the two of you.
When are parents going to realize that our actions adversely affects our children? Are we too emotionally caught up in the relationship or angry at the other person that we can not control ourselves around our children? I’m taking my son’s advice and being quiet when they are around. The other parent can argue or fuss until their blue in the face but as for me, I’m going to consider what my actions are having on my children.
I completely understand that our emotions are tied into the relationship with the other parent, however, our love and respect for our children should be paramount and supersede our emotions toward the other parent. So before you say another word around your children arguing and fussing with the other parent, consider this, shh.
Wait until they are not around and then resolve the issue/conflict. However, the best thing is to learn how to communicate and get past all the hurt and animosity that exist between the two of you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)