I know that this article as well as this subject is going to touch the chord of so many people both positive and negative, both mothers and fathers. I recently posed a question to both men and women and to my astonishment; both favored and concurred with it. So, what is it? Child support! Did you know that child support is determined on the income of the noncustodial parent? Yes, I'm sure most of you know that. However, do most of you agree that child support laws are antiquated and biased and needs to be changed?
If support payment is based on a noncustodial parent income, then what happens to the excess of the money that is received by the custodial parent once the child's needs are taken care of? Most noncustodial parents want accountability for the payments received. I concur. During the divorce process, both parties are required to present a financial affidavit outlining all their expenses, assets and their income. Why then shouldn't custodial parents outline the monthly expenses of the child or children and present that to establish support payment? If it takes only $500 for a child's monthly expenses and the custodial parent receives $1200, then the remaining $700 is custodial support. Doesn't seem fair does it? The question that was presented to both men and women was should custodial parents be accountable for the child support payment they receive?
Child support laws have changed in many states to include the income of both parents, however, it needs to be changed nationwide for child support to be based on the expenses of each child. Most noncustodial parents would then stop evading child support and those that are reluctant to pay child support will pay child support because it will be based on the expenses and needs of the child. In order to make child support fair to both parents, this small change can be easily implemented when establishing the child support order.
Christy is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend and she came to my office for advice on how to proceed with her relationship with the father of her child. She was initially quite angry and disappointed but elated that she was having a baby. She did not want the father involved with the unborn baby and wanted to do it all by herself. I thought how selfish, but I explained to her that her baby would benefit by having both parents involved in his/her life. In another session, we discuss how much child support she should receive. I asked her to write down all the expenses she would incur from having the baby as well as the budget monthly for caring for the baby. She brought the expenses during a follow-up session and I suggested that is the amount you ask for child support and present the father with the budget. When she came back, her relationship with the father had taken a positive turn. Christy informed me that he was relieved that she was fair and equitable in deciding on the financial responsibility of raising their child.
However, the face of child support is changing. Statistic shows that 85% of custodial parents are mothers and 15% are fathers. The fasting growing segment/population of parents are fathers. More and more fathers are fighting for custody and in today's changing world; more fathers are getting custody of their children.
This is the perfect place to introduce Denise. Denise contacted me last year when her husband, of whom she was separated from, kept her two children when they visited him for the summer. She wanted to know her rights and the rights of her husband. What I told her shocked her. No parent actually has custody of their children unless it is outlined and determined in a divorce decree or in other documentation signed by both parents. I suggested to Denise that when the children come back for the Christmas holiday she could keep the children with her. However, I also suggested that she should have a candid conversation with her children to see where they prefer to live, with mommy or daddy.
At Christmas her two children came to visit, however, Denise did not take my advice. The children went back after the holiday to their father. During her divorce hearing in the following spring, and when the issue of custody was presented, the judge asked, "if you wanted the children with you, why didn't you keep them when they came to visit?" He continued to say, "if you didn't think the father was doing a good job with the children, why did you allow them to stay with him for so long." Denise called me after the hearing and informed me that the father was awarded custody and she should have listened to me.
Denise is not the only mother I know that doesn't have custody of their children and is the noncustodial parent. I have several mothers that I consult that are noncustodial parents. What happens when mothers are noncustodial parents? Do they have to pay the percentage outlined in child support laws? The answer is yes. What I've seen when mothers are noncustodial parents are fathers are more lenient to mothers paying child support and seldom demand that they pay the amount outlined in child support laws. This is the case for Denise. She only pays a small amount per month to the father for the care of her two children.
After seeing a trend in the way fathers who are custodial parents allow the mothers who are noncustodial parents to pay a smaller amount from the norm, it got me to thinking, why are so many mothers, who are custodial parents demanding noncustodial parents to pay a percentage of their income when in most cases that amount greatly exceed the need of the child or children.
I'm hoping that the laws will change in the future to allow custodial parents to outline the monthly expenses of their child or children when faced with child support. More noncustodial parents will stop evading paying child support and more will spend quality time with their children. Since 1975, over $100 billion is owed in unpaid child support. Of the amount owed, 70% of the noncustodial parents make less than $10,000 annually. The figure continues to grow because of the economy and the high number unemployment rate because of the amount of people being laid off. However, if both parents are working together for the same goals, and those goals are to love, provide, protect, be their physically, emotionally, and spiritually for our children, we are providing the best for our children.
When noncustodial parents pay child support, they are more likely to be involved and spend quality time with their children. Statistic shows that when both mother and father are actively involved in their children' lives, the children do better in school, more likely to go to college, less likely to be involved in drugs, less likely to get pregnant, and less likely to be involved in gangs and violence. It starts with noncustodial parents being treated fairly when it comes to child support. After all it is "child support" not "custodial parent" support. Let's work together to change the laws as it pertains to the monthly amount noncustodial parents pay for child support. You can start by contacting and writing your Senator or State Representative asking them to change the laws and make child support based on the monthly financial needs and expenses of the child or children. We can make a difference and we can strengthen families.
A child needs both parents involved in their life. When one parent abuses or misuses the other parent, a great amount of strain is placed on the relationship. The parent who is absent from the home, the noncustodial parent, will feel resentment and most likely stay away, even at the sacrifice of not seeing his/her child or children. I hear it time and time again from noncustodial parent and in most of my sessions with custodial parents; I communicate the frustrations and desires of noncustodial parents. Some times my message is positively received and other times the emotions of the custodial parents and noncustodial parents perpetuate a great division between both parents.
I strongly believe that if most custodial parents appreciated and respected noncustodial parents many dilemmas between the two parents could be greatly avoided. Also, by no means am I taking away the responsibilities of noncustodial parents, what I see daily are the opportunities being taken away from noncustodial parents. The purpose of me writing and publishing "The Face of Child Support", a nonfiction guide and workbook for both custodial and noncustodial parent is to not only account and share my experiences going through the child support process and sharing others stories and experiences, it is also to make certain that mothers and fathers, custodial and noncustodial parents understand the process of the child support system.
I encourage those that are contemplating, going through or those that have gone through the process to read "The Face of Child Support" because it's appropriate for every phase of the child support process. I also encourage those that are not faced with child support, single men and women, to read "The Face of Child Support" so they are not encountered with the shock of the process if in the future they find themselves in such a situation. My goal in writing "The Face of Child Support" is to lessen the emotional aspect of child support and to provide detailed information of what one will encounter while in the system. The best possible situation for a family is for the mother, father and children to live happily in one household. With today's growing rate of divorce, the alternative is ultimately a broken family. For additional information on "The Face of Child Support" visit www.angeleyespublishingco.com.
When one parent is no longer living in the same household with the other parent and children, a child support battle ensues. It can be made easier with less emotion and with both parents satisfied with the process if the actual expenses of the child or children are taken into consideration. All noncustodial parents will know exactly where the money is being spent and that child support payments are being accounted for. Parenthood is an opportunity and responsibility. So many times one parent takes that away from the other parent. We as parents can make a difference in the lives of our children by providing the best for them. The best for them is both parents actively participating and involved in our children lives and both parents wanting and providing the best for our children. What a wonderful world this would be.
Here are some suggestions to move more towards an amicable relationship with the other parent.
• Decide that your child's or children' best interest is the most important aspect of the relationship with both parents.
• Write a budget for each child. Make a list of all the expenses that is involved with the monthly care and needs of each child.
• Start appreciating the other parent and realize that they make a world of difference in the lives of their children.
• Get past the emotional upsets that caused the relationship to go awry. Parenting without the emotional upsets toward the other parent will open up a new relationship between both parents that will ultimately benefit your children.
• Contact your child support office and let them know that the budgeted amount calculated in as mentioned above in the second point is what you want to receive monthly for child support.
• Contact your Senator or State Representative and let them know that child support law need to be based on the expenses of each child and abolish the percentage of income of the noncustodial parent based laws.
• Watch and see the noncustodial parent playing a more important and bigger role in their child's or children' lives.
• Watch and see the difference in your child or children.
• Better yet, watch and see how your life will ultimately change because of letting go of all the hurt, pain, anger, disappointment, frustrations and whatever other emotional baggage that festered inside of you. Your family will completely change for the better.
I hope that these suggestions are received and are acted upon and that overnight your life, your children' lives and the noncustodial life will change for the better. However, we are all human and it make take some longer than others. The most important aspect of change is wanting to change and wanting what's best for not only ourselves, but for those we love. Start with one suggestion and keep adding each day, each week and whenever you're able to move on.
Take my advice because I have played the role of both custodial and noncustodial parent and I feel and have lived the experiences of both. Trust me, my advice will make a world of difference for your children.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus But We Live Here On Earth So Can We Just Get Along And Stay Married?
If you’ve been married, you’re quite familiar with these words, "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part." Or you may have been creative and wrote your own wedding vows. How long do these words last in our marriages? For me, two years and I was divorced. I thought, when I get married, I would be married for the rest of my life. I can remember during our engagement, we talked about being together in our nineties and still walking with each other. We couldn’t wait to be married. Then, why am I divorced? Why are you divorced? Why don’t marriages last? And, how many of us actually go into a marriage thinking we are going to get a divorce?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren’t marriages working and why aren’t we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today’s society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationships she discovered were people cohabitating, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that’s exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren’t going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman’s view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for “Irreconcilable Differences.” Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. One of the popular books that attempts to differentiate between men and women is titled, Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus published in May 1992 by John Gray. The book offers many suggestions for improving men-women relationships in couples by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily here on Earth. What a wonderful world that will be! I’m willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce.
Here are some frequently cited reasons for causing divorce:
• Lack of commitment to the marriage
• Lack of communication between spouses
• Infidelity
• Abandonment
• Alcohol Addiction
• Substance Abuse
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Inability to manage or resolve conflict
• Personality Differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’
• Differences in personal and career goals
• Financial problems
• Different expectations about household tasks
• Different expectations about having or rearing children
• Interference from parents or in-laws
• Lack of maturity
• Intellectual Incompatibility
• Sexual Incompatibility
• Insistence of sticking to traditional roles and not allowing room for personal growth
• Falling out of love
• Religious conversion or religious beliefs
• Cultural and lifestyle differences
• Inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies
• Mental Instability or Mental Illness
• Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime
During my producer’s research on relationships, she found a research done on the causes of divorce and it reveals that--
• Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce. A marriage is on the rocks when the lines of communication fail. You can’t have an effective relationship if either one of you won’t discuss your feelings, can’t talk about your mutual or personal issues, will keep your resentments simmering under wraps, and expect your partner to guess what the whole problem is about.
• Divorces often happen because people rarely discuss their expectations in detail prior to marriage, are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards, and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues. People have gotten divorced for trivial reasons like snoring.
• People who come from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced than people who come from happily married households. Divorce seems less like a big deal if you have seen your parents go through with it.
• People who get married between the ages of 23-27 are more likely to stay together than people who get married in their teens.
• People who cohabit before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who didn’t cohabit before marriage.
• In many cases, quite a few of the problems that cause divorce have existed in the couple’s relationship long before they got married. The problems were either not acknowledged or were ignored in the fond hope that marriage might offer a miraculous panacea. And, guess what, it doesn’t. Nobody can make you feel better about yourself and you can’t change and save anybody. As someone wise once said, it takes two wholes to make a marriage, not two halves.
Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I’m ready, are you?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren’t marriages working and why aren’t we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today’s society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationships she discovered were people cohabitating, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that’s exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren’t going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman’s view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for “Irreconcilable Differences.” Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. One of the popular books that attempts to differentiate between men and women is titled, Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus published in May 1992 by John Gray. The book offers many suggestions for improving men-women relationships in couples by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily here on Earth. What a wonderful world that will be! I’m willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce.
Here are some frequently cited reasons for causing divorce:
• Lack of commitment to the marriage
• Lack of communication between spouses
• Infidelity
• Abandonment
• Alcohol Addiction
• Substance Abuse
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Inability to manage or resolve conflict
• Personality Differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’
• Differences in personal and career goals
• Financial problems
• Different expectations about household tasks
• Different expectations about having or rearing children
• Interference from parents or in-laws
• Lack of maturity
• Intellectual Incompatibility
• Sexual Incompatibility
• Insistence of sticking to traditional roles and not allowing room for personal growth
• Falling out of love
• Religious conversion or religious beliefs
• Cultural and lifestyle differences
• Inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies
• Mental Instability or Mental Illness
• Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime
During my producer’s research on relationships, she found a research done on the causes of divorce and it reveals that--
• Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce. A marriage is on the rocks when the lines of communication fail. You can’t have an effective relationship if either one of you won’t discuss your feelings, can’t talk about your mutual or personal issues, will keep your resentments simmering under wraps, and expect your partner to guess what the whole problem is about.
• Divorces often happen because people rarely discuss their expectations in detail prior to marriage, are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards, and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues. People have gotten divorced for trivial reasons like snoring.
• People who come from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced than people who come from happily married households. Divorce seems less like a big deal if you have seen your parents go through with it.
• People who get married between the ages of 23-27 are more likely to stay together than people who get married in their teens.
• People who cohabit before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who didn’t cohabit before marriage.
• In many cases, quite a few of the problems that cause divorce have existed in the couple’s relationship long before they got married. The problems were either not acknowledged or were ignored in the fond hope that marriage might offer a miraculous panacea. And, guess what, it doesn’t. Nobody can make you feel better about yourself and you can’t change and save anybody. As someone wise once said, it takes two wholes to make a marriage, not two halves.
Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I’m ready, are you?
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Survival of the Traditional Family, Is The Traditional Family Becoming Endangered?
I was startled by the statistics for the divorce rate in the United States. The divorce rate for first marriages is 51%, for second marriages it is 67% and 74% for third marriages. What baffled me was that the divorce rate increased from first marriages to third marriages. I was under the assumption that you learn from your mistakes and that you bring the experiences in your previous marriage to make the second marriage last. I am too a first marriage divorcee with children. How many families do you know that have the biological parents in the same household happily married? Is the traditional family becoming extinct and how can we prevent traditional family from becoming endangered?
“WWF safeguards hundreds of species around the world, but focus special attention on flagship species: giant pandas, tigers, polar bears, endangered whales and dolphins, rhinos, elephants, marine turtles and great apes. These species not only need special measures and extra protection in order to survive, they also serve as umbrella species: helping them helps numerous other species that live in the same habitats.” After watching Academy Award winner Halle Berry on national television on the Oprah show stating that she wants a baby but not to get married again, I was appalled and first realized that the traditional family is too endangered. In a country with freedom of speech, I wish that statement were censored.
Before a plant or animal species can receive protection under the Endangered Species Act, it must first be placed on the Federal list of endangered and threatened wildlife and plants. I am pushing for an endangered list for the traditional family. When mentioning the government, there are programs such as the Healthy Marriage Initiative that focuses on strengthening marriages and “to help couples, who have chosen marriage for themselves, gain greater access to marriage education services, on a voluntary basis, where they can acquire the skills and knowledge necessary to form and sustain a healthy marriage.” According to Halle Berry’s statement and the above statistics, we have to do more to encourage marriages and to make marriages last.
An “endangered” species is one that is in danger of extinction throughout all or a significant portion of its range. A “threatened” species is one that is likely to become endangered in the foreseeable future. Are we threatening to become endangered?
The benefits of strengthening families goes beyond the immediate family, it extends to our community, our nation and ultimately the world. When you have a strong family, the traditional family, you have strong individuals, mothers, fathers, and children. When you have strong families, you have strong communities. The economics of a healthy marriage can make a profound impact on the community. With our current economic condition and the correlation with the above divorce statistics, one can conclude that stronger families make stronger communities. Furthermore, researchers have found that there are many benefits to the traditional family unit and healthy marriages.
For our children, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. More likely to attend college
2. More likely to succeed academically
3. Physically healthier
4. Emotionally healthier
5. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
6. Demonstrate less behavioral problems in school
7. Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse
8. Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol
9. Less likely to commit delinquent behaviors
10. Have a better relationship with their mothers and fathers
11. Decreases their chances of divorcing when they get married
12. Less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, or impregnate someone.
13. Less likely to be sexually active as teenagers
14. Less likely to contract STD's
15. Less likely to be raised in poverty
For women, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. More satisfying relationship
2. Emotionally healthier
3. Wealthier
4. Less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other violent crimes
5. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
6. Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
7. Less likely to contract STD's
8. Less likely to remain or end up in poverty
9. Have better relationships with their children
10. Physically healthier
For men, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. Live longer
2. Physically healthier
3. Wealthier
4. Increase in the stability of employment
5. Higher wages
6. Emotionally healthier
7. Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
8. Have better relationships with their children
9. More satisfying sexual relationship
10. Less likely to commit violent crimes
11. Less likely to contract STD's
12. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
For our communities, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. Higher rates of physically healthy citizens
2. Higher rates of emotionally healthy citizens
3. Higher rates of educated citizens
4. Lower domestic violence rates
5. Lower crime statistics
6. Lower teen age pregnancy rates
7. Lower rates of juvenile delinquency
8. Higher rates of home ownership
9. Lower rates of migration
10. Higher property values
11. Decreased need for social services
The benefits of staying together and working toward healthy marriages is a benefit that is a win-win-win-win for our children, women, men, and our communities. One important benefit of the traditional family is that a family stays together. Can we find a way back to the traditional family and stop the cycle of the divorce rates?
We can start by working toward building stronger relationships and teaching our children how to form and maintain strong relationships. I often times tell my oldest son that when he gets married that divorce is not an option so select a good wife. He was at an age where he saw the ravages of my divorce and witness the negative affects divorce has not only on children, but also on both parents. I’m pushing for him not to repeat the cycle and working on me that when I take the step to get married again, this time it would be a healthy marriage that can be a model for my sons.
“WWF safeguards hundreds of species around the world, but focus special attention on flagship species: giant pandas, tigers, polar bears, endangered whales and dolphins, rhinos, elephants, marine turtles and great apes. These species not only need special measures and extra protection in order to survive, they also serve as umbrella species: helping them helps numerous other species that live in the same habitats.” After watching Academy Award winner Halle Berry on national television on the Oprah show stating that she wants a baby but not to get married again, I was appalled and first realized that the traditional family is too endangered. In a country with freedom of speech, I wish that statement were censored.
Before a plant or animal species can receive protection under the Endangered Species Act, it must first be placed on the Federal list of endangered and threatened wildlife and plants. I am pushing for an endangered list for the traditional family. When mentioning the government, there are programs such as the Healthy Marriage Initiative that focuses on strengthening marriages and “to help couples, who have chosen marriage for themselves, gain greater access to marriage education services, on a voluntary basis, where they can acquire the skills and knowledge necessary to form and sustain a healthy marriage.” According to Halle Berry’s statement and the above statistics, we have to do more to encourage marriages and to make marriages last.
An “endangered” species is one that is in danger of extinction throughout all or a significant portion of its range. A “threatened” species is one that is likely to become endangered in the foreseeable future. Are we threatening to become endangered?
The benefits of strengthening families goes beyond the immediate family, it extends to our community, our nation and ultimately the world. When you have a strong family, the traditional family, you have strong individuals, mothers, fathers, and children. When you have strong families, you have strong communities. The economics of a healthy marriage can make a profound impact on the community. With our current economic condition and the correlation with the above divorce statistics, one can conclude that stronger families make stronger communities. Furthermore, researchers have found that there are many benefits to the traditional family unit and healthy marriages.
For our children, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. More likely to attend college
2. More likely to succeed academically
3. Physically healthier
4. Emotionally healthier
5. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
6. Demonstrate less behavioral problems in school
7. Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse
8. Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol
9. Less likely to commit delinquent behaviors
10. Have a better relationship with their mothers and fathers
11. Decreases their chances of divorcing when they get married
12. Less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, or impregnate someone.
13. Less likely to be sexually active as teenagers
14. Less likely to contract STD's
15. Less likely to be raised in poverty
For women, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. More satisfying relationship
2. Emotionally healthier
3. Wealthier
4. Less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other violent crimes
5. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
6. Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
7. Less likely to contract STD's
8. Less likely to remain or end up in poverty
9. Have better relationships with their children
10. Physically healthier
For men, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. Live longer
2. Physically healthier
3. Wealthier
4. Increase in the stability of employment
5. Higher wages
6. Emotionally healthier
7. Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
8. Have better relationships with their children
9. More satisfying sexual relationship
10. Less likely to commit violent crimes
11. Less likely to contract STD's
12. Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
For our communities, the benefit of a healthy marriage and the traditional family are as follow:
1. Higher rates of physically healthy citizens
2. Higher rates of emotionally healthy citizens
3. Higher rates of educated citizens
4. Lower domestic violence rates
5. Lower crime statistics
6. Lower teen age pregnancy rates
7. Lower rates of juvenile delinquency
8. Higher rates of home ownership
9. Lower rates of migration
10. Higher property values
11. Decreased need for social services
The benefits of staying together and working toward healthy marriages is a benefit that is a win-win-win-win for our children, women, men, and our communities. One important benefit of the traditional family is that a family stays together. Can we find a way back to the traditional family and stop the cycle of the divorce rates?
We can start by working toward building stronger relationships and teaching our children how to form and maintain strong relationships. I often times tell my oldest son that when he gets married that divorce is not an option so select a good wife. He was at an age where he saw the ravages of my divorce and witness the negative affects divorce has not only on children, but also on both parents. I’m pushing for him not to repeat the cycle and working on me that when I take the step to get married again, this time it would be a healthy marriage that can be a model for my sons.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Out Of Sight, Not Out Of Mind - Advice For A Noncustodial Parent
Oscar is a very caring, loving and considerate father. Each time I consulted Oscar regarding his divorce, what resonated in our conversations is his love for his only daughter. He would tell me about rescheduling his work so he could be home when his daughter came home from elementary school. His stories and memories about all the quality times he spent with his daughter was a father’s mourning of loosing his daughter to a divorce. Due to job change and career advancement, Oscar moved away from his daughter to another state. His decision has haunted him and he wonders if he made the right decision because he doesn’t speak with his daughter on a daily basis. What adjustments must noncustodial parents make in their lives to cope with no longer being the primary parent?
Oscar’s situation is all too common. Noncustodial parents, mothers or fathers, feel a missing link once they no longer share the daily opportunities and responsibilities of being a parent. Routines once shared and sacrifices once made become a void in their lives. Another culprit to his missing his daughter is his ex-wife’s constant negative conversations about him to his daughter. Often times in situations like this, I want to talk to both parents because children’ love for each parent is not predicated on the relationship of the parents. Even if the divorce was bad, a child needs to feel loved by both parents. The biggest mistake of parents is involving their children in their vendetta against the other parent. Parents should never, ever resort to this action because it ultimately has a negative affect on the children. This was the case for Oscar.
Oscar use to come to me very disappointed and upset that his daughter doesn’t call him on a regular basis. He wanted her to call him everyday after school when she gets home. What Oscar had to realize and had problems with was moving on with his life. Moving on with his life did not mean that he loved his daughter less; it means that his life has changed since the divorce and now he had to make the adjustment.
Here is the advice that was given to Oscar so that he could adjust to no longer being an everyday parent:
• Converse with his daughter as to why he moved to another state.
• Explain to her the importance of calling him when she gets home.
• Realize that his daughter is a teenager and her life will become busy with school activities and friends and that a call every day may have to be three times during the week.
• Get involve with other activities or in the community.
• Try to establish a friendly relationship with the ex-wife for the sake of his daughter.
• Plan trips for daughter to visit or visit daughter.
• When with daughter, have a wonderful time. The times shared with her will also be embedded in her memories.
• Never talk bad about her mother with her.
• Start going out with friends and/or on dates.
A divorce is always difficult when children are involved. The difference is how both parents respond and react to the next phase of their lives. Children are so impressionable and want to be loved by both parents. Oscar’s love for his daughter is evident in our sessions. He has taken my advice and is much more understanding of his daughter as well as he’s involved in community sports and in a relationship. It was quite obvious that Oscar needed a little adjustment in his life in order for him to cope with not being in his daughter’s day-to-day life.
Parenting from afar is common in today’s society, however, out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind.
Oscar’s situation is all too common. Noncustodial parents, mothers or fathers, feel a missing link once they no longer share the daily opportunities and responsibilities of being a parent. Routines once shared and sacrifices once made become a void in their lives. Another culprit to his missing his daughter is his ex-wife’s constant negative conversations about him to his daughter. Often times in situations like this, I want to talk to both parents because children’ love for each parent is not predicated on the relationship of the parents. Even if the divorce was bad, a child needs to feel loved by both parents. The biggest mistake of parents is involving their children in their vendetta against the other parent. Parents should never, ever resort to this action because it ultimately has a negative affect on the children. This was the case for Oscar.
Oscar use to come to me very disappointed and upset that his daughter doesn’t call him on a regular basis. He wanted her to call him everyday after school when she gets home. What Oscar had to realize and had problems with was moving on with his life. Moving on with his life did not mean that he loved his daughter less; it means that his life has changed since the divorce and now he had to make the adjustment.
Here is the advice that was given to Oscar so that he could adjust to no longer being an everyday parent:
• Converse with his daughter as to why he moved to another state.
• Explain to her the importance of calling him when she gets home.
• Realize that his daughter is a teenager and her life will become busy with school activities and friends and that a call every day may have to be three times during the week.
• Get involve with other activities or in the community.
• Try to establish a friendly relationship with the ex-wife for the sake of his daughter.
• Plan trips for daughter to visit or visit daughter.
• When with daughter, have a wonderful time. The times shared with her will also be embedded in her memories.
• Never talk bad about her mother with her.
• Start going out with friends and/or on dates.
A divorce is always difficult when children are involved. The difference is how both parents respond and react to the next phase of their lives. Children are so impressionable and want to be loved by both parents. Oscar’s love for his daughter is evident in our sessions. He has taken my advice and is much more understanding of his daughter as well as he’s involved in community sports and in a relationship. It was quite obvious that Oscar needed a little adjustment in his life in order for him to cope with not being in his daughter’s day-to-day life.
Parenting from afar is common in today’s society, however, out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Are You Too Busy to Discipline Your Child? Nine Ways to Help With Disciplining Your Child.
As I was walking around the furniture store, I saw this little girl, she couldn’t be no more than five years old, and as she ran around the furniture store she ran into a floor model clock and knocked it over. My first thought when I saw this little girl running around without a parent in sight was where’s the parent? When the parent finally appeared, she immediately scolded her daughter. What I really wanted to do is to scold the parent. Rewind….if that was one or both of my sons, they will be next to me looking at furniture helping me decide which sofa, dining room set, bedroom set, etc. to purchase. Why do parents not discipline their children but when the children misbehave in public, parents scold them? Are we too busy with living that we are not being the best parent we can be?
The question is rhetorical because I know the answer to the question. Yes, we are too busy with life that we are too tired to train our children in the way that they must go. As parents, we are faced with working, cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, shopping for food, school supplies, and clothes and the list goes on. Once at home, we are tired and just want to retreat to our room. Who has time to discipline our children? There is still hope and still time in our days, in our life to discipline our children. I have a few suggestions that may work for you, as it has worked for me. Here are some suggestions:
1. Start training your children at home. When they do something at home, immediately bring it to their attention and tell them what they did wrong and how to correct it.
2. Do not get tired of teaching your children. One of the most important roles we play in life is that of a parent. You stay on the job as a parent longer than any other jobs you may attain.
3. Be a role model for your children. I often think about how I want my boys to be when they grow up. Some of the qualities that come to mind are respectful, ambitious, successful, loving, caring, independent, dependable and adventurous. I set an example for them in all that I do and in my interaction with them to be a good role model.
4. Spend quality time with your children regularly. Some of our favorite things to do are to go to the movies and the bookstore, I allow my oldest son to cook dinner two times a week and I help him prepare the food. Helping with homework is one key way that I spend quality with my sons. We also play together.
5. Communicate with your children. It is very important to keep an open dialogue with your children and listen to what they are saying. I know some of my most important lessons in life were learned from conversations with my children. Communication is not only talking but the ability to listen.
6. Be involved with your children, participate and support them in their activities in the community, at school, at church, etc. It’s important for parents to support their children in activities they participate in. For instance, do you attend your child’s sporting event, science fair, or school activities? If not, get involved.
7. Love your children and put them first. You will be amazed by how many parents forsake their children for just about anything. Don’t be one of those parents. Love your children with all your heart and always think, what can I do for them and how can I be a positive influence on them.
8. Don’t allow your anger, frustrations and emotions to interfere with your ability to parent. Most parents allow their children to get away with misbehaving time after time. That one time when a child does something wrong and the parent is emotional upset or distraught over something else, they take it out on the child. Never allow this to happen. Be consistent in your training of your children.
9. Talk to family members and friends that are parents to get other good suggestions and see what works for them.
The role of a parent is a never ending responsibility. The most important aspect of my life is that of being a parent. My actions, my words, everything I do are all influences on my children. I enjoy being a parent, with the constant disciplining, I’m most proud of the results when I interact with my children at home and in public.
Don’t be the parent that allows your child to run wild in public places; it’s a reflection on you. Start disciplining your children and you’ll be greatly rewarded when you children is in public and interact with others.
The question is rhetorical because I know the answer to the question. Yes, we are too busy with life that we are too tired to train our children in the way that they must go. As parents, we are faced with working, cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, shopping for food, school supplies, and clothes and the list goes on. Once at home, we are tired and just want to retreat to our room. Who has time to discipline our children? There is still hope and still time in our days, in our life to discipline our children. I have a few suggestions that may work for you, as it has worked for me. Here are some suggestions:
1. Start training your children at home. When they do something at home, immediately bring it to their attention and tell them what they did wrong and how to correct it.
2. Do not get tired of teaching your children. One of the most important roles we play in life is that of a parent. You stay on the job as a parent longer than any other jobs you may attain.
3. Be a role model for your children. I often think about how I want my boys to be when they grow up. Some of the qualities that come to mind are respectful, ambitious, successful, loving, caring, independent, dependable and adventurous. I set an example for them in all that I do and in my interaction with them to be a good role model.
4. Spend quality time with your children regularly. Some of our favorite things to do are to go to the movies and the bookstore, I allow my oldest son to cook dinner two times a week and I help him prepare the food. Helping with homework is one key way that I spend quality with my sons. We also play together.
5. Communicate with your children. It is very important to keep an open dialogue with your children and listen to what they are saying. I know some of my most important lessons in life were learned from conversations with my children. Communication is not only talking but the ability to listen.
6. Be involved with your children, participate and support them in their activities in the community, at school, at church, etc. It’s important for parents to support their children in activities they participate in. For instance, do you attend your child’s sporting event, science fair, or school activities? If not, get involved.
7. Love your children and put them first. You will be amazed by how many parents forsake their children for just about anything. Don’t be one of those parents. Love your children with all your heart and always think, what can I do for them and how can I be a positive influence on them.
8. Don’t allow your anger, frustrations and emotions to interfere with your ability to parent. Most parents allow their children to get away with misbehaving time after time. That one time when a child does something wrong and the parent is emotional upset or distraught over something else, they take it out on the child. Never allow this to happen. Be consistent in your training of your children.
9. Talk to family members and friends that are parents to get other good suggestions and see what works for them.
The role of a parent is a never ending responsibility. The most important aspect of my life is that of being a parent. My actions, my words, everything I do are all influences on my children. I enjoy being a parent, with the constant disciplining, I’m most proud of the results when I interact with my children at home and in public.
Don’t be the parent that allows your child to run wild in public places; it’s a reflection on you. Start disciplining your children and you’ll be greatly rewarded when you children is in public and interact with others.
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