In today’s society, it is not hard to find a relationship, or is it? With the advent of online/internet dating, speed dating, and all other forms and sources of dating, the world of dating and the means to dating has gotten a bit easier. One important factor in dating that I have experienced is long distance dating. Even though I did not meet my boyfriend online or from one of the modern day new wave styles of dating, we met at work. We lived less than 30 miles from one another and would spend a much time together as humanly possible. He then got a job in another state and moved and we decided to continue dating. Since experiencing long distance dating, I have discovered that this type of relationship is prevalent. However, are long distance relationships worth it?
Of all my adult life, and that is literally half my life I have managed to have relationships in the same city, except for one other time. Even though I may travel often, when I returned home, I know that I would have an intimate homecoming waiting. Friends who had long distance relationships I would think, I could never do that. However, having a relationship from afar is somewhat of a common practice. Many celebrities are engaged in this type of relationships. Many internet dating relationships are exposed to getting involved with someone that does not live in the same town or even in the same state or country.
What are the excitements of being so far away from the person your heart beats for? For me, the long telephone conversations that always seem to bring us closer together. We want each other to know everything that has happened in the short time from telephone conversation to the next. Details that are carefully depicted and explained as if we were there experiencing the same as the other. It is the morning wake up calls just to say “good morning and have a great day” with “I love you” always at the end of the conversation. And, those texts that say “I miss you and love you” really bring us closer.
Long distance relationships allow couples to get to know each other by the simple, but most crucial aspect of any relationships, communication. With the distance between you, the only connect you have is the communication between the two of you by any means of today’s communication means, e-mails, Skype, Facebook, telephone, texting, etc. Even though we have been dating two years prior to him moving to another state, our relationship now have taken a turn for the better. We are now making the effort to allow the relationship to continue to grow and become closer, even miles apart.
The old adage that absence makes the heart grows fonder is another excitement of being in a long distance relationship. The times we are together compensate for the times we are apart. The anticipation of seeing one another during a regular interval makes it all worth it. The embrace, the long kisses, the intimacy seem as if it is for the first time, each time.
My favorite of being in a long distance relationship is learning how to be creative. Both people must know how to comfort each other. For instance, my friend Renny said that to make a long distance relationship work, “you have to find someone that knows how to send sunshine when you’re cold, move clouds when the sun gets too warm and blow a hint of lust and love via a gently breeze when you feel extra lonely. Or transform each of you closer to each other with great phone communication. And, there is nothing like foreplay from hundreds and even thousands miles away to stir the pot and make that arrival at the airport a very steamy ride home.” That’s creative dating when nothing but distance and time stands between the two of you. Renny definitely expressed the creativity in how we must endure and make the relationship worth the wait.
It is not all roses when dating someone that lives in another state. On the other side of dating someone from afar are the frustrations of the relationship. When something great happens, I want to celebrate and I want to celebrate with the person I am dating and with close friends. Life is unexpected with good and bad experiences but when you need someone to be there, you realize that he or she is in another city or state and cannot partake in your excitements or disappointments. Delayed celebration becomes the norm and sometimes the emotion of the experience is not the same.
The greatest hindrance of these types of relationship is the decision when the relationship reaches another level. I have a friend Nancy who has a boyfriend in another state. She loves where she lives and so does he. The relationship is at a point where they want to get married; however, neither wants to give up where they live. The decision to move becomes the most important aspect of the relationship. I remember when I first met my ex-husband. We lived in different states and then we decided to get married. I was not going to live in the state he lived and we compromised to pick anywhere but his state. This decision almost became a grave issue in our relationship.
One major suggestion if faced with dating someone in another state is to communicate about important issues upfront. Before you get too serious into the relationship, find common grounds and ask those questions that may be a deal breaker. Questions such as, who is willing to move, how often will you see each other, who will do most of the traveling or will it be shared, how long will you try the relationship, and where do you see the relationship in a period of time (six months, one year, two years, etc.)
All in all you take the good you take the bad and there you will have the facts of dating someone long distance. The relationship can work, but it will take creativity, patience, trust and the deep love for each other. Your long distance journey awaits you.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Friday, November 20, 2009
Millions of Parents Have Not Filed For Child Support. What Are You Waiting For? Steps On How To File.
One of the biggest mistakes custodial parents make is not filing for child support. By filing for support and establishing a support order, parents can collect payments beyond when a child reaches the age of 18. One of my client was astonished when she began receiving payments and her children where the ages 24 and 28. She had given up but I explained that she did what millions of custodial parents have failed to do and that is to establish a support order. It is very important that when a parent fails to be responsible financial for his/her children, it is then important to file for child support.
When a custodial parent is in the system, regardless of if the noncustodial parent pays or not, an arrear is established and payment will follow when the system finds the parent. I first recommend that both parents discuss what is a fair payment and work together to raise their children. In some cases, this is the best situation and both parents actually do what they say they would do. However, when the noncustodial parent does not live up to the agreement, the next step is to file with the child support enforcement system. I only recommend this because it begins to establish a record of payment and nonpayment and this can work in the favor of both parents, if paid on time.
When asked the question to custodial parents who have not filed for support in the system, why they have not filed, most parents respond that they do not want the father in their children lives. Others respond that the system does not work so why bother. My response is always the same, the system works if you know how to work the system and a child needs the financial support of both parents. I then divulge the biggest secret of the system, financial support of a child has nothing to do with visitation; the two are separate. However, it is then when delving further into the reason why most parents do not rely on the system, most begin to see why it is important to establish record by entering into the system.
One of the biggest fallacies of the child support system for custodial parents is that it does not work. The system works as mentioned before; however, it is the parents in the system that causes it to not to be as functional as it was designed to be. If both parents put first the needs of their children, are being responsible financially, spiritually, and socially and both are actively involved in their children lives then the need of the children are taken care of. The system then works. However, on the other hand, when one parent takes advantage and does not pay, then it becomes harder to enforce the established support order. Moreover, there are some improvement that needs to be made such as making payments accountable for the needs of each child in the system.
One of my clients is very vexed with the system because they cannot find the father. She has given her caseworker his address which is in another state but the caseworker insist that he lives in the same state that she lives in. For over one year, she has not been able to locate the parent. Even though he calls and speaks to his son periodically, he will not give her an address. Therefore, I explain to my client that it is not the system; it is the parent that evades or is reluctant to pay child support. My suggestion to her is to keep the case open and continue to get as much information from the father as possible to report to her caseworker.
When a noncustodial parent does not work a regular job or has his/her own business, it is easy for them to evade and manipulate the system. It is not only their responsibility as a parent to financial support their children, it is also important that they are actively involved in the live of their children. When custodial parents say that they do not want the other parent in their children lives, I explain that is a selfish notion and it should be up to the children. Most parents are emotionally involved with the other parent and the reason for the breakup in the first place is the motivating factor why the relationship is estranged. The relationship that ensues between a mother and a father is different between parents and their children. Only in extreme cases such as the other parent will harm a child shall a parent be restricted from seeing his/her child.
When encountering the child support system, both parents, custodial and noncustodial parent will face four stages: locate the noncustodial parent, establish paternity, establish order and enforce order. Each stage is important and should not be avoided. Sometimes a support order can be established in as short as three months, and others can take years. The more information a parent has to provide to their casework, the quicker and simpler the process becomes. Lack of information such as the address of the other parent or where the other parent works can delay the process.
Filing for support for your children is very important. The financial support that children receive from the other parent is very instrumental in caring and providing for the needs of our children. When custodial parents do not file, they are allowing noncustodial parents to shirk their responsibility. I recommend to parents who say that they do not want the money to open a trust account and save the money and have it available upon graduation from college to their children to provide a fresh start into life.
Here are a few steps to start your order:
• Call your local child support enforcement office to schedule an appointment to open your case.
• Gather as much information as possible regarding the noncustodial parent such as name, birth date, social security number, address, work name and address, telephone number and each child's name and social security number.
• Bring in birth certificate of each child.
• It may cost $25 to start your case if you are not receiving government assistance.
• Be patient and contact your caseworker on a regular base to get an update on your case. Whenever you receive additional information on the noncustodial parent, provide the information to your caseworker.
• Purchase your copy of The Face of Child Support by Dawnette Lounds-Culp by going to www.angeleyespublishingco.com. The Face of Child Support provides the detailed information mothers and fathers need to manuever successfully through the child support system.
There are no reasons why custodial parents should not file for child support or any reasons why noncustodial parents should shirk their responsibility to their children. It is vital that a support order is establish to keep a record of the amount the noncustodial parent should pay. In cases where payments are not received, the system keeps a record and the amount never goes away until the amount is paid or settled by both parents. Our children deserve both parents' financial support as well as both parents actively involved in their lives.
When a custodial parent is in the system, regardless of if the noncustodial parent pays or not, an arrear is established and payment will follow when the system finds the parent. I first recommend that both parents discuss what is a fair payment and work together to raise their children. In some cases, this is the best situation and both parents actually do what they say they would do. However, when the noncustodial parent does not live up to the agreement, the next step is to file with the child support enforcement system. I only recommend this because it begins to establish a record of payment and nonpayment and this can work in the favor of both parents, if paid on time.
When asked the question to custodial parents who have not filed for support in the system, why they have not filed, most parents respond that they do not want the father in their children lives. Others respond that the system does not work so why bother. My response is always the same, the system works if you know how to work the system and a child needs the financial support of both parents. I then divulge the biggest secret of the system, financial support of a child has nothing to do with visitation; the two are separate. However, it is then when delving further into the reason why most parents do not rely on the system, most begin to see why it is important to establish record by entering into the system.
One of the biggest fallacies of the child support system for custodial parents is that it does not work. The system works as mentioned before; however, it is the parents in the system that causes it to not to be as functional as it was designed to be. If both parents put first the needs of their children, are being responsible financially, spiritually, and socially and both are actively involved in their children lives then the need of the children are taken care of. The system then works. However, on the other hand, when one parent takes advantage and does not pay, then it becomes harder to enforce the established support order. Moreover, there are some improvement that needs to be made such as making payments accountable for the needs of each child in the system.
One of my clients is very vexed with the system because they cannot find the father. She has given her caseworker his address which is in another state but the caseworker insist that he lives in the same state that she lives in. For over one year, she has not been able to locate the parent. Even though he calls and speaks to his son periodically, he will not give her an address. Therefore, I explain to my client that it is not the system; it is the parent that evades or is reluctant to pay child support. My suggestion to her is to keep the case open and continue to get as much information from the father as possible to report to her caseworker.
When a noncustodial parent does not work a regular job or has his/her own business, it is easy for them to evade and manipulate the system. It is not only their responsibility as a parent to financial support their children, it is also important that they are actively involved in the live of their children. When custodial parents say that they do not want the other parent in their children lives, I explain that is a selfish notion and it should be up to the children. Most parents are emotionally involved with the other parent and the reason for the breakup in the first place is the motivating factor why the relationship is estranged. The relationship that ensues between a mother and a father is different between parents and their children. Only in extreme cases such as the other parent will harm a child shall a parent be restricted from seeing his/her child.
When encountering the child support system, both parents, custodial and noncustodial parent will face four stages: locate the noncustodial parent, establish paternity, establish order and enforce order. Each stage is important and should not be avoided. Sometimes a support order can be established in as short as three months, and others can take years. The more information a parent has to provide to their casework, the quicker and simpler the process becomes. Lack of information such as the address of the other parent or where the other parent works can delay the process.
Filing for support for your children is very important. The financial support that children receive from the other parent is very instrumental in caring and providing for the needs of our children. When custodial parents do not file, they are allowing noncustodial parents to shirk their responsibility. I recommend to parents who say that they do not want the money to open a trust account and save the money and have it available upon graduation from college to their children to provide a fresh start into life.
Here are a few steps to start your order:
• Call your local child support enforcement office to schedule an appointment to open your case.
• Gather as much information as possible regarding the noncustodial parent such as name, birth date, social security number, address, work name and address, telephone number and each child's name and social security number.
• Bring in birth certificate of each child.
• It may cost $25 to start your case if you are not receiving government assistance.
• Be patient and contact your caseworker on a regular base to get an update on your case. Whenever you receive additional information on the noncustodial parent, provide the information to your caseworker.
• Purchase your copy of The Face of Child Support by Dawnette Lounds-Culp by going to www.angeleyespublishingco.com. The Face of Child Support provides the detailed information mothers and fathers need to manuever successfully through the child support system.
There are no reasons why custodial parents should not file for child support or any reasons why noncustodial parents should shirk their responsibility to their children. It is vital that a support order is establish to keep a record of the amount the noncustodial parent should pay. In cases where payments are not received, the system keeps a record and the amount never goes away until the amount is paid or settled by both parents. Our children deserve both parents' financial support as well as both parents actively involved in their lives.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Resurgence of Good Manners
In the absence of good manners in our daily lives and today’s society, those who practice good etiquette are often times highlighted and stand out. If our manners determine our place or status in society, we are not only failing society, we are failing our children and have reached a new low. I am astonished to see the diminished levels of etiquette among adults in today’s society and to see these manners being transferred to children. However, good manners are not totally eliminated from our society. There is hope that regardless if our lives are filled with so much stress that we are able to maintain a level of humanity and respect for self and for those around us. I am calling for a resurgence of good manners in today’s society.
The simplest definition of etiquette is “the prescribed forms and practice of how one act in society.” If we lived in the world alone, we would not have to be concerned with how we act. However, since our daily encounters involve interactions with others throughout our day, we have to consider how we act around others. Etiquette is exemplified at even the most basic functions in our lives. From your home life to work and church, what you do will determine how others judge or think of you. Just as any doctor will prescribe medicine if you are sick to make you better, I am prescribing that we all practice good manners in our lives.
It takes only three (3) seconds for someone to form an opinion of you upon first meeting you. First impressions are hard to reverse and the level of manners you display determines making a great first impression. The way you dress, the way you speak, how you groom yourself, and many other factors play a paramount role in how others think of you. Since etiquette is a prescribed practice, I recommend that we continue to practice making good decision and positively impacting and affecting those around us.
Answer the following questions to determine your level of good manners.
• When you are in your car and someone wants to cut in, do you allow the person from cutting in?
• Do you have a sit down dinner with your family at least three times a week? I recommend sitting down eating dinner daily with family.
• If you are in the grocery line and have a cart full of grocery and the person behind you have less than 10 products, do you let that person go ahead of you?
• For males, do you open the car door always for your date, girlfriend or wife?
• For females, on a date, are you the one paying for the date more often than the male?
Congratulations to those who answered yes to every question except the last one. You are on your way to making a great and outstanding first and lasting impression. The more we think of how we can make a difference in our own lives and the lives of those around us; the more we can make a positive impact to society and lessen the stress we face daily. When I say “good morning, afternoon or good evening” to someone, it completely changes their day and catch them off guard. Simple things go a long way in the lives of others. Let’s continue to display good manners and demand those around you to do the same. As adults and as parents, what we do and how we act have a direct impact on our children. We lead and teach our children by example. We can make a positive impact on the next generation by practicing good manners because etiquette really starts at home.
The simplest definition of etiquette is “the prescribed forms and practice of how one act in society.” If we lived in the world alone, we would not have to be concerned with how we act. However, since our daily encounters involve interactions with others throughout our day, we have to consider how we act around others. Etiquette is exemplified at even the most basic functions in our lives. From your home life to work and church, what you do will determine how others judge or think of you. Just as any doctor will prescribe medicine if you are sick to make you better, I am prescribing that we all practice good manners in our lives.
It takes only three (3) seconds for someone to form an opinion of you upon first meeting you. First impressions are hard to reverse and the level of manners you display determines making a great first impression. The way you dress, the way you speak, how you groom yourself, and many other factors play a paramount role in how others think of you. Since etiquette is a prescribed practice, I recommend that we continue to practice making good decision and positively impacting and affecting those around us.
Answer the following questions to determine your level of good manners.
• When you are in your car and someone wants to cut in, do you allow the person from cutting in?
• Do you have a sit down dinner with your family at least three times a week? I recommend sitting down eating dinner daily with family.
• If you are in the grocery line and have a cart full of grocery and the person behind you have less than 10 products, do you let that person go ahead of you?
• For males, do you open the car door always for your date, girlfriend or wife?
• For females, on a date, are you the one paying for the date more often than the male?
Congratulations to those who answered yes to every question except the last one. You are on your way to making a great and outstanding first and lasting impression. The more we think of how we can make a difference in our own lives and the lives of those around us; the more we can make a positive impact to society and lessen the stress we face daily. When I say “good morning, afternoon or good evening” to someone, it completely changes their day and catch them off guard. Simple things go a long way in the lives of others. Let’s continue to display good manners and demand those around you to do the same. As adults and as parents, what we do and how we act have a direct impact on our children. We lead and teach our children by example. We can make a positive impact on the next generation by practicing good manners because etiquette really starts at home.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Everything Is Not Always Black or White, There Are Always Gray Areas: Interracial Relationships
From the beginning of time, various cultures and race have entered into successful and meaningful relationships. Even though some have been met with various opposition and turmoil, there have been an infusion of interracial relationships with every race and culture. What is most important is the love each relationship shares. Then why are interracial relationships an issue in today's society? When you see a couple of a different race together in today's society, what is your first thought?
Imagine going to your favorite restaurant and when ordering from the menu you are told that you are expected to and can only order an entree from the beef selections. You really want an entree from the chicken choices that was recommended to you but you are prohibited from ordering any chicken entree and only have to choose from the selections with beef. Even though beef offers many delicious options from prime steak to hamburgers and you have had beef each time you have ate dinner at the restaurant, you are now becoming fond of a particular chicken entree and you have a desire and taste for it. You then settle for a beef choice, not very pleased, happy or fulfilled. That would be appalling , not ordering what you want but only what is expected and/or given as an option to you.
When it comes to dating, love and marriage, our hearts may lead us in a direction that involves loving someone from a different race; something that is taboo in certain cultures and race and to certain people. Most large metropolitan cities are open to such relationships more so than some small rural towns. Are people in this country really ready to embrace such widespread of relationships?
For the last two years, I have enjoyed a wonderful relationship with a man I hope to marry one day. When we met, our encounter was magical and there was an instant attraction that I could not explain. I was planning a radio show on the "War on Military Marriages" and he was one of the people I interviewed. He had been in the military for many years and married the same amount of years, but he was going through a divorce. After the interview, we kept in touch and began dating shortly after his divorce. Two years later, we are enjoying a wonderful relationship filled with so much love and excitement. Now, would it be an issue if he was from a different race than mine?
He is from a different race and we enjoy being with each other tremendously. To us and many other interracial relationships, the ability to love without having limitations open doors for various cultures and race to intermingle and learn, grow and understand each other's background. Of course there is much more to falling in love, however, if I was denied the right to date or marry him, I would feel as if my constitutional rights were being take away and I am sure he would feel the same. Fortunately, we are not treading down that road and realize that if and when it happens, we hope we do not meet any resistance. To date, we have not had anyone comment negatively about our relationship. Moreover, we have had many people approach us while at dinner or in other public places telling us how loving and great we look together.
Enter Katelyn and Todd who have been dating for the past three years. After recently hearing Katelyn's stories of her many encounters of being shunned and ostracized by people of Todd's race, I was flabbergasted and was in disbelief. For instance, she recounted an occasion when she met Todd at an upscale restaurant and when arriving before him at the restaurant, the stares and whispering began. Upon Todd arriving and introducing her to some of his friends who also frequented the restaurant, both realized the negative and disdained reception she received. They decided to leave that restaurant and to go to a restaurant of Katelyn choice. This happened nearly three years ago, but the hurt and despair she felt was relived as she told me the story. Some of Todd's friends are no longer his friends because of his relationship with Katelyn. Katelyn and Todd are still together and I see the love they have for each other.
That is what love is about, how someone makes you feel when you are together and not based on the color of one's skin complexion. I am really enjoying myself in my relationship and pray that we never are encountered with any negative situations as it relates to our race. From my experience, I believe America is ready for such a diversity of relationships. However, not everyone will embrace it as experienced by Katelyn. When we allow love to guide us in our lives, we can overcome the most negative situation encountered because when two people love each other, it should not matter if they are of different race?
Sam remembers being excited about going on a date with Amber. They had met in the post office the day before and he was absolutely stunned by her beauty and poise. Sam was so nervous to commence a conversation with her but after he did, Sam remembers how comfortable Amber made him feel. She was from a different race but Sam saw no color or differences, only what he felt in his heart. It was a beautiful sunny day and they met in the park to have a picnic. Sam's eyes lightened when he saw Amber approaching and wanted desperately to run and grab her in his arms. Composing himself, he waited until she came to the bench where he sat and gave her a nice hug. Amber was wonderful and he instantly had feelings for her. He wanted to go out again with her. Planning the date, he wanted to impress her and invited her to a function with his co-workers. After meeting Amber, Sam's co-workers voiced their opinion to him on the relationship and he felt pressured. He ended the relationship with Amber and to date, still regrets his decision. Sam has never felt that way about another person.
Interracial relationships are increasing and becoming the norm. On television, you will find shows and programs that have interracial relationships. In a major dating site commercial it advertises an interracial couple that married from meeting on its site. In the movies and even with celebrities, interracial dating and marriages are seen more often. If some people in this country are not ready for interracial relationships, embrace yourself because it is here and will always be here. Love happens in many ways to many people, does it really matter if it happens to two people of different race?
Imagine going to your favorite restaurant and when ordering from the menu you are told that you are expected to and can only order an entree from the beef selections. You really want an entree from the chicken choices that was recommended to you but you are prohibited from ordering any chicken entree and only have to choose from the selections with beef. Even though beef offers many delicious options from prime steak to hamburgers and you have had beef each time you have ate dinner at the restaurant, you are now becoming fond of a particular chicken entree and you have a desire and taste for it. You then settle for a beef choice, not very pleased, happy or fulfilled. That would be appalling , not ordering what you want but only what is expected and/or given as an option to you.
When it comes to dating, love and marriage, our hearts may lead us in a direction that involves loving someone from a different race; something that is taboo in certain cultures and race and to certain people. Most large metropolitan cities are open to such relationships more so than some small rural towns. Are people in this country really ready to embrace such widespread of relationships?
For the last two years, I have enjoyed a wonderful relationship with a man I hope to marry one day. When we met, our encounter was magical and there was an instant attraction that I could not explain. I was planning a radio show on the "War on Military Marriages" and he was one of the people I interviewed. He had been in the military for many years and married the same amount of years, but he was going through a divorce. After the interview, we kept in touch and began dating shortly after his divorce. Two years later, we are enjoying a wonderful relationship filled with so much love and excitement. Now, would it be an issue if he was from a different race than mine?
He is from a different race and we enjoy being with each other tremendously. To us and many other interracial relationships, the ability to love without having limitations open doors for various cultures and race to intermingle and learn, grow and understand each other's background. Of course there is much more to falling in love, however, if I was denied the right to date or marry him, I would feel as if my constitutional rights were being take away and I am sure he would feel the same. Fortunately, we are not treading down that road and realize that if and when it happens, we hope we do not meet any resistance. To date, we have not had anyone comment negatively about our relationship. Moreover, we have had many people approach us while at dinner or in other public places telling us how loving and great we look together.
Enter Katelyn and Todd who have been dating for the past three years. After recently hearing Katelyn's stories of her many encounters of being shunned and ostracized by people of Todd's race, I was flabbergasted and was in disbelief. For instance, she recounted an occasion when she met Todd at an upscale restaurant and when arriving before him at the restaurant, the stares and whispering began. Upon Todd arriving and introducing her to some of his friends who also frequented the restaurant, both realized the negative and disdained reception she received. They decided to leave that restaurant and to go to a restaurant of Katelyn choice. This happened nearly three years ago, but the hurt and despair she felt was relived as she told me the story. Some of Todd's friends are no longer his friends because of his relationship with Katelyn. Katelyn and Todd are still together and I see the love they have for each other.
That is what love is about, how someone makes you feel when you are together and not based on the color of one's skin complexion. I am really enjoying myself in my relationship and pray that we never are encountered with any negative situations as it relates to our race. From my experience, I believe America is ready for such a diversity of relationships. However, not everyone will embrace it as experienced by Katelyn. When we allow love to guide us in our lives, we can overcome the most negative situation encountered because when two people love each other, it should not matter if they are of different race?
Sam remembers being excited about going on a date with Amber. They had met in the post office the day before and he was absolutely stunned by her beauty and poise. Sam was so nervous to commence a conversation with her but after he did, Sam remembers how comfortable Amber made him feel. She was from a different race but Sam saw no color or differences, only what he felt in his heart. It was a beautiful sunny day and they met in the park to have a picnic. Sam's eyes lightened when he saw Amber approaching and wanted desperately to run and grab her in his arms. Composing himself, he waited until she came to the bench where he sat and gave her a nice hug. Amber was wonderful and he instantly had feelings for her. He wanted to go out again with her. Planning the date, he wanted to impress her and invited her to a function with his co-workers. After meeting Amber, Sam's co-workers voiced their opinion to him on the relationship and he felt pressured. He ended the relationship with Amber and to date, still regrets his decision. Sam has never felt that way about another person.
Interracial relationships are increasing and becoming the norm. On television, you will find shows and programs that have interracial relationships. In a major dating site commercial it advertises an interracial couple that married from meeting on its site. In the movies and even with celebrities, interracial dating and marriages are seen more often. If some people in this country are not ready for interracial relationships, embrace yourself because it is here and will always be here. Love happens in many ways to many people, does it really matter if it happens to two people of different race?
Monday, October 19, 2009
Can We Just Get Along and Stay Married
If you've been married, you're quite familiar with these words, "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part." Or you may have been creative and wrote your own wedding vows. How long do these words last in our marriages? For me, two years and I was divorced. I thought, when I get married, I would be married for the rest of my life. I can remember during our engagement, we talked about being together in our nineties and still walking with each other. We couldn't wait to be married. Then, why am I divorced? Why are you divorced? Why don't marriages last? And, how many of us actually go into a marriage thinking we are going to get a divorce?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren't marriages working and why aren't we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today's society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationship dynamics she discovered were men and women in relationships are cohabiting, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married for example. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that's exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren't going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman's view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for "Irreconcilable Differences." Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily, build meaningful relationships and stay married. What a wonderful world that will be! I'm willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces such as lack of communication, financial problems, and abuse; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce. Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I'm ready, are you?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren't marriages working and why aren't we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today's society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationship dynamics she discovered were men and women in relationships are cohabiting, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married for example. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that's exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren't going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman's view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for "Irreconcilable Differences." Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily, build meaningful relationships and stay married. What a wonderful world that will be! I'm willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces such as lack of communication, financial problems, and abuse; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce. Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I'm ready, are you?
Monday, September 28, 2009
Are Child Support Laws Equitable and Fair For Both Parents?
I know that this article as well as this subject is going to touch the chord of so many people both positive and negative, both mothers and fathers. I recently posed a question to both men and women and to my astonishment; both favored and concurred with it. So, what is it? Child support! Did you know that child support is determined on the income of the noncustodial parent? Yes, I'm sure most of you know that. However, do most of you agree that child support laws are antiquated and biased and needs to be changed?
If support payment is based on a noncustodial parent income, then what happens to the excess of the money that is received by the custodial parent once the child's needs are taken care of? Most noncustodial parents want accountability for the payments received. I concur. During the divorce process, both parties are required to present a financial affidavit outlining all their expenses, assets and their income. Why then shouldn't custodial parents outline the monthly expenses of the child or children and present that to establish support payment? If it takes only $500 for a child's monthly expenses and the custodial parent receives $1200, then the remaining $700 is custodial support. Doesn't seem fair does it? The question that was presented to both men and women was should custodial parents be accountable for the child support payment they receive?
Child support laws have changed in many states to include the income of both parents, however, it needs to be changed nationwide for child support to be based on the expenses of each child. Most noncustodial parents would then stop evading child support and those that are reluctant to pay child support will pay child support because it will be based on the expenses and needs of the child. In order to make child support fair to both parents, this small change can be easily implemented when establishing the child support order.
Christy is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend and she came to my office for advice on how to proceed with her relationship with the father of her child. She was initially quite angry and disappointed but elated that she was having a baby. She did not want the father involved with the unborn baby and wanted to do it all by herself. I thought how selfish, but I explained to her that her baby would benefit by having both parents involved in his/her life. In another session, we discuss how much child support she should receive. I asked her to write down all the expenses she would incur from having the baby as well as the budget monthly for caring for the baby. She brought the expenses during a follow-up session and I suggested that is the amount you ask for child support and present the father with the budget. When she came back, her relationship with the father had taken a positive turn. Christy informed me that he was relieved that she was fair and equitable in deciding on the financial responsibility of raising their child.
However, the face of child support is changing. Statistic shows that 85% of custodial parents are mothers and 15% are fathers. The fasting growing segment/population of parents are fathers. More and more fathers are fighting for custody and in today's changing world; more fathers are getting custody of their children.
This is the perfect place to introduce Denise. Denise contacted me last year when her husband, of whom she was separated from, kept her two children when they visited him for the summer. She wanted to know her rights and the rights of her husband. What I told her shocked her. No parent actually has custody of their children unless it is outlined and determined in a divorce decree or in other documentation signed by both parents. I suggested to Denise that when the children come back for the Christmas holiday she could keep the children with her. However, I also suggested that she should have a candid conversation with her children to see where they prefer to live, with mommy or daddy.
At Christmas her two children came to visit, however, Denise did not take my advice. The children went back after the holiday to their father. During her divorce hearing in the following spring, and when the issue of custody was presented, the judge asked, "if you wanted the children with you, why didn't you keep them when they came to visit?" He continued to say, "if you didn't think the father was doing a good job with the children, why did you allow them to stay with him for so long." Denise called me after the hearing and informed me that the father was awarded custody and she should have listened to me.
Denise is not the only mother I know that doesn't have custody of their children and is the noncustodial parent. I have several mothers that I consult that are noncustodial parents. What happens when mothers are noncustodial parents? Do they have to pay the percentage outlined in child support laws? The answer is yes. What I've seen when mothers are noncustodial parents are fathers are more lenient to mothers paying child support and seldom demand that they pay the amount outlined in child support laws. This is the case for Denise. She only pays a small amount per month to the father for the care of her two children.
After seeing a trend in the way fathers who are custodial parents allow the mothers who are noncustodial parents to pay a smaller amount from the norm, it got me to thinking, why are so many mothers, who are custodial parents demanding noncustodial parents to pay a percentage of their income when in most cases that amount greatly exceed the need of the child or children.
I'm hoping that the laws will change in the future to allow custodial parents to outline the monthly expenses of their child or children when faced with child support. More noncustodial parents will stop evading paying child support and more will spend quality time with their children. Since 1975, over $100 billion is owed in unpaid child support. Of the amount owed, 70% of the noncustodial parents make less than $10,000 annually. The figure continues to grow because of the economy and the high number unemployment rate because of the amount of people being laid off. However, if both parents are working together for the same goals, and those goals are to love, provide, protect, be their physically, emotionally, and spiritually for our children, we are providing the best for our children.
When noncustodial parents pay child support, they are more likely to be involved and spend quality time with their children. Statistic shows that when both mother and father are actively involved in their children' lives, the children do better in school, more likely to go to college, less likely to be involved in drugs, less likely to get pregnant, and less likely to be involved in gangs and violence. It starts with noncustodial parents being treated fairly when it comes to child support. After all it is "child support" not "custodial parent" support. Let's work together to change the laws as it pertains to the monthly amount noncustodial parents pay for child support. You can start by contacting and writing your Senator or State Representative asking them to change the laws and make child support based on the monthly financial needs and expenses of the child or children. We can make a difference and we can strengthen families.
A child needs both parents involved in their life. When one parent abuses or misuses the other parent, a great amount of strain is placed on the relationship. The parent who is absent from the home, the noncustodial parent, will feel resentment and most likely stay away, even at the sacrifice of not seeing his/her child or children. I hear it time and time again from noncustodial parent and in most of my sessions with custodial parents; I communicate the frustrations and desires of noncustodial parents. Some times my message is positively received and other times the emotions of the custodial parents and noncustodial parents perpetuate a great division between both parents.
I strongly believe that if most custodial parents appreciated and respected noncustodial parents many dilemmas between the two parents could be greatly avoided. Also, by no means am I taking away the responsibilities of noncustodial parents, what I see daily are the opportunities being taken away from noncustodial parents. The purpose of me writing and publishing "The Face of Child Support", a nonfiction guide and workbook for both custodial and noncustodial parent is to not only account and share my experiences going through the child support process and sharing others stories and experiences, it is also to make certain that mothers and fathers, custodial and noncustodial parents understand the process of the child support system.
I encourage those that are contemplating, going through or those that have gone through the process to read "The Face of Child Support" because it's appropriate for every phase of the child support process. I also encourage those that are not faced with child support, single men and women, to read "The Face of Child Support" so they are not encountered with the shock of the process if in the future they find themselves in such a situation. My goal in writing "The Face of Child Support" is to lessen the emotional aspect of child support and to provide detailed information of what one will encounter while in the system. The best possible situation for a family is for the mother, father and children to live happily in one household. With today's growing rate of divorce, the alternative is ultimately a broken family. For additional information on "The Face of Child Support" visit www.angeleyespublishingco.com.
When one parent is no longer living in the same household with the other parent and children, a child support battle ensues. It can be made easier with less emotion and with both parents satisfied with the process if the actual expenses of the child or children are taken into consideration. All noncustodial parents will know exactly where the money is being spent and that child support payments are being accounted for. Parenthood is an opportunity and responsibility. So many times one parent takes that away from the other parent. We as parents can make a difference in the lives of our children by providing the best for them. The best for them is both parents actively participating and involved in our children lives and both parents wanting and providing the best for our children. What a wonderful world this would be.
Here are some suggestions to move more towards an amicable relationship with the other parent.
• Decide that your child's or children' best interest is the most important aspect of the relationship with both parents.
• Write a budget for each child. Make a list of all the expenses that is involved with the monthly care and needs of each child.
• Start appreciating the other parent and realize that they make a world of difference in the lives of their children.
• Get past the emotional upsets that caused the relationship to go awry. Parenting without the emotional upsets toward the other parent will open up a new relationship between both parents that will ultimately benefit your children.
• Contact your child support office and let them know that the budgeted amount calculated in as mentioned above in the second point is what you want to receive monthly for child support.
• Contact your Senator or State Representative and let them know that child support law need to be based on the expenses of each child and abolish the percentage of income of the noncustodial parent based laws.
• Watch and see the noncustodial parent playing a more important and bigger role in their child's or children' lives.
• Watch and see the difference in your child or children.
• Better yet, watch and see how your life will ultimately change because of letting go of all the hurt, pain, anger, disappointment, frustrations and whatever other emotional baggage that festered inside of you. Your family will completely change for the better.
I hope that these suggestions are received and are acted upon and that overnight your life, your children' lives and the noncustodial life will change for the better. However, we are all human and it make take some longer than others. The most important aspect of change is wanting to change and wanting what's best for not only ourselves, but for those we love. Start with one suggestion and keep adding each day, each week and whenever you're able to move on.
Take my advice because I have played the role of both custodial and noncustodial parent and I feel and have lived the experiences of both. Trust me, my advice will make a world of difference for your children.
If support payment is based on a noncustodial parent income, then what happens to the excess of the money that is received by the custodial parent once the child's needs are taken care of? Most noncustodial parents want accountability for the payments received. I concur. During the divorce process, both parties are required to present a financial affidavit outlining all their expenses, assets and their income. Why then shouldn't custodial parents outline the monthly expenses of the child or children and present that to establish support payment? If it takes only $500 for a child's monthly expenses and the custodial parent receives $1200, then the remaining $700 is custodial support. Doesn't seem fair does it? The question that was presented to both men and women was should custodial parents be accountable for the child support payment they receive?
Child support laws have changed in many states to include the income of both parents, however, it needs to be changed nationwide for child support to be based on the expenses of each child. Most noncustodial parents would then stop evading child support and those that are reluctant to pay child support will pay child support because it will be based on the expenses and needs of the child. In order to make child support fair to both parents, this small change can be easily implemented when establishing the child support order.
Christy is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend and she came to my office for advice on how to proceed with her relationship with the father of her child. She was initially quite angry and disappointed but elated that she was having a baby. She did not want the father involved with the unborn baby and wanted to do it all by herself. I thought how selfish, but I explained to her that her baby would benefit by having both parents involved in his/her life. In another session, we discuss how much child support she should receive. I asked her to write down all the expenses she would incur from having the baby as well as the budget monthly for caring for the baby. She brought the expenses during a follow-up session and I suggested that is the amount you ask for child support and present the father with the budget. When she came back, her relationship with the father had taken a positive turn. Christy informed me that he was relieved that she was fair and equitable in deciding on the financial responsibility of raising their child.
However, the face of child support is changing. Statistic shows that 85% of custodial parents are mothers and 15% are fathers. The fasting growing segment/population of parents are fathers. More and more fathers are fighting for custody and in today's changing world; more fathers are getting custody of their children.
This is the perfect place to introduce Denise. Denise contacted me last year when her husband, of whom she was separated from, kept her two children when they visited him for the summer. She wanted to know her rights and the rights of her husband. What I told her shocked her. No parent actually has custody of their children unless it is outlined and determined in a divorce decree or in other documentation signed by both parents. I suggested to Denise that when the children come back for the Christmas holiday she could keep the children with her. However, I also suggested that she should have a candid conversation with her children to see where they prefer to live, with mommy or daddy.
At Christmas her two children came to visit, however, Denise did not take my advice. The children went back after the holiday to their father. During her divorce hearing in the following spring, and when the issue of custody was presented, the judge asked, "if you wanted the children with you, why didn't you keep them when they came to visit?" He continued to say, "if you didn't think the father was doing a good job with the children, why did you allow them to stay with him for so long." Denise called me after the hearing and informed me that the father was awarded custody and she should have listened to me.
Denise is not the only mother I know that doesn't have custody of their children and is the noncustodial parent. I have several mothers that I consult that are noncustodial parents. What happens when mothers are noncustodial parents? Do they have to pay the percentage outlined in child support laws? The answer is yes. What I've seen when mothers are noncustodial parents are fathers are more lenient to mothers paying child support and seldom demand that they pay the amount outlined in child support laws. This is the case for Denise. She only pays a small amount per month to the father for the care of her two children.
After seeing a trend in the way fathers who are custodial parents allow the mothers who are noncustodial parents to pay a smaller amount from the norm, it got me to thinking, why are so many mothers, who are custodial parents demanding noncustodial parents to pay a percentage of their income when in most cases that amount greatly exceed the need of the child or children.
I'm hoping that the laws will change in the future to allow custodial parents to outline the monthly expenses of their child or children when faced with child support. More noncustodial parents will stop evading paying child support and more will spend quality time with their children. Since 1975, over $100 billion is owed in unpaid child support. Of the amount owed, 70% of the noncustodial parents make less than $10,000 annually. The figure continues to grow because of the economy and the high number unemployment rate because of the amount of people being laid off. However, if both parents are working together for the same goals, and those goals are to love, provide, protect, be their physically, emotionally, and spiritually for our children, we are providing the best for our children.
When noncustodial parents pay child support, they are more likely to be involved and spend quality time with their children. Statistic shows that when both mother and father are actively involved in their children' lives, the children do better in school, more likely to go to college, less likely to be involved in drugs, less likely to get pregnant, and less likely to be involved in gangs and violence. It starts with noncustodial parents being treated fairly when it comes to child support. After all it is "child support" not "custodial parent" support. Let's work together to change the laws as it pertains to the monthly amount noncustodial parents pay for child support. You can start by contacting and writing your Senator or State Representative asking them to change the laws and make child support based on the monthly financial needs and expenses of the child or children. We can make a difference and we can strengthen families.
A child needs both parents involved in their life. When one parent abuses or misuses the other parent, a great amount of strain is placed on the relationship. The parent who is absent from the home, the noncustodial parent, will feel resentment and most likely stay away, even at the sacrifice of not seeing his/her child or children. I hear it time and time again from noncustodial parent and in most of my sessions with custodial parents; I communicate the frustrations and desires of noncustodial parents. Some times my message is positively received and other times the emotions of the custodial parents and noncustodial parents perpetuate a great division between both parents.
I strongly believe that if most custodial parents appreciated and respected noncustodial parents many dilemmas between the two parents could be greatly avoided. Also, by no means am I taking away the responsibilities of noncustodial parents, what I see daily are the opportunities being taken away from noncustodial parents. The purpose of me writing and publishing "The Face of Child Support", a nonfiction guide and workbook for both custodial and noncustodial parent is to not only account and share my experiences going through the child support process and sharing others stories and experiences, it is also to make certain that mothers and fathers, custodial and noncustodial parents understand the process of the child support system.
I encourage those that are contemplating, going through or those that have gone through the process to read "The Face of Child Support" because it's appropriate for every phase of the child support process. I also encourage those that are not faced with child support, single men and women, to read "The Face of Child Support" so they are not encountered with the shock of the process if in the future they find themselves in such a situation. My goal in writing "The Face of Child Support" is to lessen the emotional aspect of child support and to provide detailed information of what one will encounter while in the system. The best possible situation for a family is for the mother, father and children to live happily in one household. With today's growing rate of divorce, the alternative is ultimately a broken family. For additional information on "The Face of Child Support" visit www.angeleyespublishingco.com.
When one parent is no longer living in the same household with the other parent and children, a child support battle ensues. It can be made easier with less emotion and with both parents satisfied with the process if the actual expenses of the child or children are taken into consideration. All noncustodial parents will know exactly where the money is being spent and that child support payments are being accounted for. Parenthood is an opportunity and responsibility. So many times one parent takes that away from the other parent. We as parents can make a difference in the lives of our children by providing the best for them. The best for them is both parents actively participating and involved in our children lives and both parents wanting and providing the best for our children. What a wonderful world this would be.
Here are some suggestions to move more towards an amicable relationship with the other parent.
• Decide that your child's or children' best interest is the most important aspect of the relationship with both parents.
• Write a budget for each child. Make a list of all the expenses that is involved with the monthly care and needs of each child.
• Start appreciating the other parent and realize that they make a world of difference in the lives of their children.
• Get past the emotional upsets that caused the relationship to go awry. Parenting without the emotional upsets toward the other parent will open up a new relationship between both parents that will ultimately benefit your children.
• Contact your child support office and let them know that the budgeted amount calculated in as mentioned above in the second point is what you want to receive monthly for child support.
• Contact your Senator or State Representative and let them know that child support law need to be based on the expenses of each child and abolish the percentage of income of the noncustodial parent based laws.
• Watch and see the noncustodial parent playing a more important and bigger role in their child's or children' lives.
• Watch and see the difference in your child or children.
• Better yet, watch and see how your life will ultimately change because of letting go of all the hurt, pain, anger, disappointment, frustrations and whatever other emotional baggage that festered inside of you. Your family will completely change for the better.
I hope that these suggestions are received and are acted upon and that overnight your life, your children' lives and the noncustodial life will change for the better. However, we are all human and it make take some longer than others. The most important aspect of change is wanting to change and wanting what's best for not only ourselves, but for those we love. Start with one suggestion and keep adding each day, each week and whenever you're able to move on.
Take my advice because I have played the role of both custodial and noncustodial parent and I feel and have lived the experiences of both. Trust me, my advice will make a world of difference for your children.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus But We Live Here On Earth So Can We Just Get Along And Stay Married?
If you’ve been married, you’re quite familiar with these words, "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part." Or you may have been creative and wrote your own wedding vows. How long do these words last in our marriages? For me, two years and I was divorced. I thought, when I get married, I would be married for the rest of my life. I can remember during our engagement, we talked about being together in our nineties and still walking with each other. We couldn’t wait to be married. Then, why am I divorced? Why are you divorced? Why don’t marriages last? And, how many of us actually go into a marriage thinking we are going to get a divorce?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren’t marriages working and why aren’t we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today’s society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationships she discovered were people cohabitating, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that’s exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren’t going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman’s view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for “Irreconcilable Differences.” Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. One of the popular books that attempts to differentiate between men and women is titled, Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus published in May 1992 by John Gray. The book offers many suggestions for improving men-women relationships in couples by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily here on Earth. What a wonderful world that will be! I’m willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce.
Here are some frequently cited reasons for causing divorce:
• Lack of commitment to the marriage
• Lack of communication between spouses
• Infidelity
• Abandonment
• Alcohol Addiction
• Substance Abuse
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Inability to manage or resolve conflict
• Personality Differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’
• Differences in personal and career goals
• Financial problems
• Different expectations about household tasks
• Different expectations about having or rearing children
• Interference from parents or in-laws
• Lack of maturity
• Intellectual Incompatibility
• Sexual Incompatibility
• Insistence of sticking to traditional roles and not allowing room for personal growth
• Falling out of love
• Religious conversion or religious beliefs
• Cultural and lifestyle differences
• Inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies
• Mental Instability or Mental Illness
• Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime
During my producer’s research on relationships, she found a research done on the causes of divorce and it reveals that--
• Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce. A marriage is on the rocks when the lines of communication fail. You can’t have an effective relationship if either one of you won’t discuss your feelings, can’t talk about your mutual or personal issues, will keep your resentments simmering under wraps, and expect your partner to guess what the whole problem is about.
• Divorces often happen because people rarely discuss their expectations in detail prior to marriage, are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards, and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues. People have gotten divorced for trivial reasons like snoring.
• People who come from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced than people who come from happily married households. Divorce seems less like a big deal if you have seen your parents go through with it.
• People who get married between the ages of 23-27 are more likely to stay together than people who get married in their teens.
• People who cohabit before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who didn’t cohabit before marriage.
• In many cases, quite a few of the problems that cause divorce have existed in the couple’s relationship long before they got married. The problems were either not acknowledged or were ignored in the fond hope that marriage might offer a miraculous panacea. And, guess what, it doesn’t. Nobody can make you feel better about yourself and you can’t change and save anybody. As someone wise once said, it takes two wholes to make a marriage, not two halves.
Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I’m ready, are you?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren’t marriages working and why aren’t we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today’s society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationships she discovered were people cohabitating, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that’s exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren’t going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman’s view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for “Irreconcilable Differences.” Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. One of the popular books that attempts to differentiate between men and women is titled, Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus published in May 1992 by John Gray. The book offers many suggestions for improving men-women relationships in couples by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily here on Earth. What a wonderful world that will be! I’m willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce.
Here are some frequently cited reasons for causing divorce:
• Lack of commitment to the marriage
• Lack of communication between spouses
• Infidelity
• Abandonment
• Alcohol Addiction
• Substance Abuse
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Inability to manage or resolve conflict
• Personality Differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’
• Differences in personal and career goals
• Financial problems
• Different expectations about household tasks
• Different expectations about having or rearing children
• Interference from parents or in-laws
• Lack of maturity
• Intellectual Incompatibility
• Sexual Incompatibility
• Insistence of sticking to traditional roles and not allowing room for personal growth
• Falling out of love
• Religious conversion or religious beliefs
• Cultural and lifestyle differences
• Inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies
• Mental Instability or Mental Illness
• Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime
During my producer’s research on relationships, she found a research done on the causes of divorce and it reveals that--
• Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce. A marriage is on the rocks when the lines of communication fail. You can’t have an effective relationship if either one of you won’t discuss your feelings, can’t talk about your mutual or personal issues, will keep your resentments simmering under wraps, and expect your partner to guess what the whole problem is about.
• Divorces often happen because people rarely discuss their expectations in detail prior to marriage, are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards, and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues. People have gotten divorced for trivial reasons like snoring.
• People who come from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced than people who come from happily married households. Divorce seems less like a big deal if you have seen your parents go through with it.
• People who get married between the ages of 23-27 are more likely to stay together than people who get married in their teens.
• People who cohabit before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who didn’t cohabit before marriage.
• In many cases, quite a few of the problems that cause divorce have existed in the couple’s relationship long before they got married. The problems were either not acknowledged or were ignored in the fond hope that marriage might offer a miraculous panacea. And, guess what, it doesn’t. Nobody can make you feel better about yourself and you can’t change and save anybody. As someone wise once said, it takes two wholes to make a marriage, not two halves.
Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I’m ready, are you?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)