If you’ve been married, you’re quite familiar with these words, "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part." Or you may have been creative and wrote your own wedding vows. How long do these words last in our marriages? For me, two years and I was divorced. I thought, when I get married, I would be married for the rest of my life. I can remember during our engagement, we talked about being together in our nineties and still walking with each other. We couldn’t wait to be married. Then, why am I divorced? Why are you divorced? Why don’t marriages last? And, how many of us actually go into a marriage thinking we are going to get a divorce?
The questions are many, but the results are the same. Divorces are rampant in our society and marriages are becoming obsolete. Research has shown that the divorce rates are higher in European or American countries, where individual freedom is given higher stress, than in, say, Asian or African ones, where familial and social opinions cause higher stress. I can remember when being divorce was taboo and people got married and stayed together for better or for worse. Society frowned on divorce and the traditional families were intact. Since my parents were divorce for as long as I can remember, I thought that I would never get a divorce and beat the odds. I too frowned on divorces. However, as mentioned above, I make up the 51% of first marriages ending in divorce and many of my family and friends join me in this category, unfortunately. Then why aren’t marriages working and why aren’t we taking our vows seriously?
Could one reason be that there are many complex relationships in today’s society? I did a radio show recently on relationships. My producer researched the subject and some of the relationships she discovered were people cohabitating, same sex marriages, step parenting, and individuals opting to have a baby without being married. I was astonished when Halle Berry said on national television on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she wanted to have a baby but not get married. Years later, that’s exactly what she did.
Centuries ago, the Romans had an interesting view towards marriage. They thought that marriages out to be free and either spouse could opt out of the marriage if things weren’t going as they planned. Based on divorce courts and the current divorce rate and statistics, we are adopting the Roman’s view towards marriage. Marriages are dissolved as easy as for “Irreconcilable Differences.” Even though many books are written on dating, relationships, and strengthening marriages, people are breaking wedding vows for different reasons. One of the popular books that attempts to differentiate between men and women is titled, Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus published in May 1992 by John Gray. The book offers many suggestions for improving men-women relationships in couples by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. When men and women can begin to understand each other and communicate with each other, we can live happily here on Earth. What a wonderful world that will be! I’m willing to try, are you?
There are many different but common reasons for divorces; however, none of them seem common to the people going through a divorce.
Here are some frequently cited reasons for causing divorce:
• Lack of commitment to the marriage
• Lack of communication between spouses
• Infidelity
• Abandonment
• Alcohol Addiction
• Substance Abuse
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Inability to manage or resolve conflict
• Personality Differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’
• Differences in personal and career goals
• Financial problems
• Different expectations about household tasks
• Different expectations about having or rearing children
• Interference from parents or in-laws
• Lack of maturity
• Intellectual Incompatibility
• Sexual Incompatibility
• Insistence of sticking to traditional roles and not allowing room for personal growth
• Falling out of love
• Religious conversion or religious beliefs
• Cultural and lifestyle differences
• Inability to deal with each other’s petty idiosyncrasies
• Mental Instability or Mental Illness
• Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime
During my producer’s research on relationships, she found a research done on the causes of divorce and it reveals that--
• Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce. A marriage is on the rocks when the lines of communication fail. You can’t have an effective relationship if either one of you won’t discuss your feelings, can’t talk about your mutual or personal issues, will keep your resentments simmering under wraps, and expect your partner to guess what the whole problem is about.
• Divorces often happen because people rarely discuss their expectations in detail prior to marriage, are less willing to work on their marriages afterwards, and would like quick solutions rather than having to resolve issues. People have gotten divorced for trivial reasons like snoring.
• People who come from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced than people who come from happily married households. Divorce seems less like a big deal if you have seen your parents go through with it.
• People who get married between the ages of 23-27 are more likely to stay together than people who get married in their teens.
• People who cohabit before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who didn’t cohabit before marriage.
• In many cases, quite a few of the problems that cause divorce have existed in the couple’s relationship long before they got married. The problems were either not acknowledged or were ignored in the fond hope that marriage might offer a miraculous panacea. And, guess what, it doesn’t. Nobody can make you feel better about yourself and you can’t change and save anybody. As someone wise once said, it takes two wholes to make a marriage, not two halves.
Regardless of the reasons, men and women must find a way to keep marriages healthy and working. I want to take that step again and get married. This time, I want to defy the odds that 67% of second marriages end in a divorce. I want to learn from my first marriage and have a second change for love and marriage. I’m ready, are you?
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