Oscar is a very caring, loving and considerate father. Each time I consulted Oscar regarding his divorce, what resonated in our conversations is his love for his only daughter. He would tell me about rescheduling his work so he could be home when his daughter came home from elementary school. His stories and memories about all the quality times he spent with his daughter was a father’s mourning of loosing his daughter to a divorce. Due to job change and career advancement, Oscar moved away from his daughter to another state. His decision has haunted him and he wonders if he made the right decision because he doesn’t speak with his daughter on a daily basis. What adjustments must noncustodial parents make in their lives to cope with no longer being the primary parent?
Oscar’s situation is all too common. Noncustodial parents, mothers or fathers, feel a missing link once they no longer share the daily opportunities and responsibilities of being a parent. Routines once shared and sacrifices once made become a void in their lives. Another culprit to his missing his daughter is his ex-wife’s constant negative conversations about him to his daughter. Often times in situations like this, I want to talk to both parents because children’ love for each parent is not predicated on the relationship of the parents. Even if the divorce was bad, a child needs to feel loved by both parents. The biggest mistake of parents is involving their children in their vendetta against the other parent. Parents should never, ever resort to this action because it ultimately has a negative affect on the children. This was the case for Oscar.
Oscar use to come to me very disappointed and upset that his daughter doesn’t call him on a regular basis. He wanted her to call him everyday after school when she gets home. What Oscar had to realize and had problems with was moving on with his life. Moving on with his life did not mean that he loved his daughter less; it means that his life has changed since the divorce and now he had to make the adjustment.
Here is the advice that was given to Oscar so that he could adjust to no longer being an everyday parent:
• Converse with his daughter as to why he moved to another state.
• Explain to her the importance of calling him when she gets home.
• Realize that his daughter is a teenager and her life will become busy with school activities and friends and that a call every day may have to be three times during the week.
• Get involve with other activities or in the community.
• Try to establish a friendly relationship with the ex-wife for the sake of his daughter.
• Plan trips for daughter to visit or visit daughter.
• When with daughter, have a wonderful time. The times shared with her will also be embedded in her memories.
• Never talk bad about her mother with her.
• Start going out with friends and/or on dates.
A divorce is always difficult when children are involved. The difference is how both parents respond and react to the next phase of their lives. Children are so impressionable and want to be loved by both parents. Oscar’s love for his daughter is evident in our sessions. He has taken my advice and is much more understanding of his daughter as well as he’s involved in community sports and in a relationship. It was quite obvious that Oscar needed a little adjustment in his life in order for him to cope with not being in his daughter’s day-to-day life.
Parenting from afar is common in today’s society, however, out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind.
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