GOING THE DISTANCE IN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP

In today’s society, it is not hard to find a relationship, or is it? With the advent of online/internet dating, speed dating, and all other forms and sources of dating, the world of dating and the means to dating has gotten a bit easier. One important factor in dating that I have experienced is long distance dating. Even though I did not meet my boyfriend online or from one of the modern day new wave styles of dating, we met at work. We lived less than 30 miles from one another and would spend a much time together as humanly possible. He then got a job in another state and moved and we decided to continue dating. Since experiencing long distance dating, I have discovered that this type of relationship is prevalent. However, are long distance relationships worth it?

Of all my adult life, and that is literally half my life I have managed to have relationships in the same city, except for one other time. Even though I may travel often, when I returned home, I know that I would have an intimate homecoming waiting. Friends who had long distance relationships I would think, I could never do that. However, having a relationship from afar is somewhat of a common practice. Many celebrities are engaged in this type of relationships. Many internet dating relationships are exposed to getting involved with someone that does not live in the same town or even in the same state or country.

What are the excitements of being so far away from the person your heart beats for? For me, the long telephone conversations that always seem to bring us closer together. We want each other to know everything that has happened in the short time from telephone conversation to the next. Details that are carefully depicted and explained as if we were there experiencing the same as the other. It is the morning wake up calls just to say “good morning and have a great day” with “I love you” always at the end of the conversation. And, those texts that say “I miss you and love you” really bring us closer.

Long distance relationships allow couples to get to know each other by the simple, but most crucial aspect of any relationships, communication. With the distance between you, the only connect you have is the communication between the two of you by any means of today’s communication means, e-mails, Skype, Facebook, telephone, texting, etc. Even though we have been dating two years prior to him moving to another state, our relationship now have taken a turn for the better. We are now making the effort to allow the relationship to continue to grow and become closer, even miles apart.


The old adage that absence makes the heart grows fonder is another excitement of being in a long distance relationship. The times we are together compensate for the times we are apart. The anticipation of seeing one another during a regular interval makes it all worth it. The embrace, the long kisses, the intimacy seem as if it is for the first time, each time.

My favorite of being in a long distance relationship is learning how to be creative. Both people must know how to comfort each other. For instance, my friend Renny said that to make a long distance relationship work, “you have to find someone that knows how to send sunshine when you’re cold, move clouds when the sun gets too warm and blow a hint of lust and love via a gently breeze when you feel extra lonely. Or transform each of you closer to each other with great phone communication. And, there is nothing like foreplay from hundreds and even thousands miles away to stir the pot and make that arrival at the airport a very steamy ride home.” That’s creative dating when nothing but distance and time stands between the two of you. Renny definitely expressed the creativity in how we must endure and make the relationship worth the wait.

It is not all roses when dating someone that lives in another state. On the other side of dating someone from afar are the frustrations of the relationship. When something great happens, I want to celebrate and I want to celebrate with the person I am dating and with close friends. Life is unexpected with good and bad experiences but when you need someone to be there, you realize that he or she is in another city or state and cannot partake in your excitements or disappointments. Delayed celebration becomes the norm and sometimes the emotion of the experience is not the same.

The greatest hindrance of these types of relationship is the decision when the relationship reaches another level. I have a friend Nancy who has a boyfriend in another state. She loves where she lives and so does he. The relationship is at a point where they want to get married; however, neither wants to give up where they live. The decision to move becomes the most important aspect of the relationship. I remember when I first met my ex-husband. We lived in different states and then we decided to get married. I was not going to live in the state he lived and we compromised to pick anywhere but his state. This decision almost became a grave issue in our relationship.

One major suggestion if faced with dating someone in another state is to communicate about important issues upfront. Before you get too serious into the relationship, find common grounds and ask those questions that may be a deal breaker. Questions such as, who is willing to move, how often will you see each other, who will do most of the traveling or will it be shared, how long will you try the relationship, and where do you see the relationship in a period of time (six months, one year, two years, etc.)

All in all you take the good you take the bad and there you will have the facts of dating someone long distance. The relationship can work, but it will take creativity, patience, trust and the deep love for each other. Your long distance journey awaits you.

Everything Is Not Always Black or White, There Are Always Gray Areas: Interracial Relationships

From the beginning of time, various cultures and race have entered into successful and meaningful relationships. Even though some have been met with various opposition and turmoil, there have been an infusion of interracial relationships with every race and culture. What is most important is the love each relationship shares. Then why are interracial relationships an issue in today's society? When you see a couple of a different race together in today's society, what is your first thought?

Imagine going to your favorite restaurant and when ordering from the menu you are told that you are expected to and can only order an entree from the beef selections. You really want an entree from the chicken choices that was recommended to you but you are prohibited from ordering any chicken entree and only have to choose from the selections with beef. Even though beef offers many delicious options from prime steak to hamburgers and you have had beef each time you have ate dinner at the restaurant, you are now becoming fond of a particular chicken entree and you have a desire and taste for it. You then settle for a beef choice, not very pleased, happy or fulfilled. That would be appalling , not ordering what you want but only what is expected and/or given as an option to you.

When it comes to dating, love and marriage, our hearts may lead us in a direction that involves loving someone from a different race; something that is taboo in certain cultures and race and to certain people. Most large metropolitan cities are open to such relationships more so than some small rural towns. Are people in this country really ready to embrace such widespread of relationships?

For the last two years, I have enjoyed a wonderful relationship with a man I hope to marry one day. When we met, our encounter was magical and there was an instant attraction that I could not explain. I was planning a radio show on the "War on Military Marriages" and he was one of the people I interviewed. He had been in the military for many years and married the same amount of years, but he was going through a divorce. After the interview, we kept in touch and began dating shortly after his divorce. Two years later, we are enjoying a wonderful relationship filled with so much love and excitement. Now, would it be an issue if he was from a different race than mine?

He is from a different race and we enjoy being with each other tremendously. To us and many other interracial relationships, the ability to love without having limitations open doors for various cultures and race to intermingle and learn, grow and understand each other's background. Of course there is much more to falling in love, however, if I was denied the right to date or marry him, I would feel as if my constitutional rights were being take away and I am sure he would feel the same. Fortunately, we are not treading down that road and realize that if and when it happens, we hope we do not meet any resistance. To date, we have not had anyone comment negatively about our relationship. Moreover, we have had many people approach us while at dinner or in other public places telling us how loving and great we look together.

Enter Katelyn and Todd who have been dating for the past three years. After recently hearing Katelyn's stories of her many encounters of being shunned and ostracized by people of Todd's race, I was flabbergasted and was in disbelief. For instance, she recounted an occasion when she met Todd at an upscale restaurant and when arriving before him at the restaurant, the stares and whispering began. Upon Todd arriving and introducing her to some of his friends who also frequented the restaurant, both realized the negative and disdained reception she received. They decided to leave that restaurant and to go to a restaurant of Katelyn choice. This happened nearly three years ago, but the hurt and despair she felt was relived as she told me the story. Some of Todd's friends are no longer his friends because of his relationship with Katelyn. Katelyn and Todd are still together and I see the love they have for each other.

That is what love is about, how someone makes you feel when you are together and not based on the color of one's skin complexion. I am really enjoying myself in my relationship and pray that we never are encountered with any negative situations as it relates to our race. From my experience, I believe America is ready for such a diversity of relationships. However, not everyone will embrace it as experienced by Katelyn. When we allow love to guide us in our lives, we can overcome the most negative situation encountered because when two people love each other, it should not matter if they are of different race?

Sam remembers being excited about going on a date with Amber. They had met in the post office the day before and he was absolutely stunned by her beauty and poise. Sam was so nervous to commence a conversation with her but after he did, Sam remembers how comfortable Amber made him feel. She was from a different race but Sam saw no color or differences, only what he felt in his heart. It was a beautiful sunny day and they met in the park to have a picnic. Sam's eyes lightened when he saw Amber approaching and wanted desperately to run and grab her in his arms. Composing himself, he waited until she came to the bench where he sat and gave her a nice hug. Amber was wonderful and he instantly had feelings for her. He wanted to go out again with her. Planning the date, he wanted to impress her and invited her to a function with his co-workers. After meeting Amber, Sam's co-workers voiced their opinion to him on the relationship and he felt pressured. He ended the relationship with Amber and to date, still regrets his decision. Sam has never felt that way about another person.

Interracial relationships are increasing and becoming the norm. On television, you will find shows and programs that have interracial relationships. In a major dating site commercial it advertises an interracial couple that married from meeting on its site. In the movies and even with celebrities, interracial dating and marriages are seen more often. If some people in this country are not ready for interracial relationships, embrace yourself because it is here and will always be here. Love happens in many ways to many people, does it really matter if it happens to two people of different race?

We Are Cursing Our Children If....

Even though we vary in parenting styles, even if we are no longer together, and even though we have a child or children together, can we agree on one thing? Can we all just get along as parents? I can’t say it enough, when we are no longer with the other parent of our children, we must get past the anger, hurt, devastation, and upsets that we experienced with the other parent. Why is this important? It’s important because our actions toward the other parent can be detrimental or even fatal to our children. We are affecting our children emotionally and putting them in matters that they have no business in. When we talk bad about the other parent in the presence of our children and teach our children to disrespect the other parent, we are cursing our children.

Let me re-introduce a law that you may have heard of before. This law stands the test of time. It’s one that is taught in Sunday schools and one that your parents may have taught you. This law states, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.” Parents, when we teach, instruct and cause our children to disrespect, dishonor the other parent, we are inherently cursing our children. It doesn’t matter what religion, nationality, age, race, or creed, this law is universal and affects everyone.

The commandment did not say honor one parent, a mother or a father, it was specific, it said honor both parents. I love my two sons, and there is nothing I want more is for them to live a long, spiritual, happy, successful and prosperous life. I caution what I say to them and teach them to not only love their fathers, but also to respect and honor their fathers.

Just recently my oldest my son called me about something his father did. He said “mommy, I had to keep my mouth shut before I said something I would regret to him.” I was so proud of him. I asked and he explained to me what happened and then said to him, “I can’t go against your father, however, I’m here to listen to you and offer my advice on how you can cope with what you are feeling.”
One of the growing problems that children are facing is parental alienation clinically known as Parental Alienation Syndrome.

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?
This is the definition of PAS as described by R.A. Gardner who discovered the syndrome and has become an expert in dealing with the issue.
Gardner's definition of PAS is:

"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."

“Basically, this means that through verbal and nonverbal thoughts, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent in front of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.”

Parents who knowing or unknowing do this, there is a clinical name for what you are doing. So, let’s start a new campaign. I’m calling it STOP and START. Let’s STOP cursing our children and teach them to love the other parent unconditionally. For parents to accomplish this, we must START to get past the hurt, anger and animosity that exists between us and the other parent and START to appreciate the gift that the other parent is in our children lives.

Can we agree on one thing, our children deserve to live a prolonged life.

Who’s Going to Step Up?

“I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way.” In today’s society, did we forget about this song that was once popular. Or, has parenting changed from our parents and grandparents. I can remember as a child that I would get spanking and reprimanded for just about everything I did wrong. I seldom recall, but on few occasions getting praised for something by my parents. Have we lost the sense to discipline our children?

I have two sons, 15 and 5 years old. I can remember on several occasions a waitress or waiter would tell me, I wish more parents were like you to discipline their children when they do wrong. No, I am not a tyrant or Mommy dearest, but I do know that “teach a child in the way that he must go and when he is old enough, he will not depart from it.” I want each of my sons to have the best in life, and that comes from having great character, discipline, respectful and most of all to love themselves.

I have seen parents let kids run wild in restaurants. I’ve seen parents allow their children to talk back to them. I’ve know parents who do not want to take their children out because they are embarrassed of how their children behave. Now, I think, whose fault is that, and my response is always, the parents’ fault.

Are we living in a society when more single parents are raising their children and they tire of disciplining them? Are we letting our children being raised by video games, text messaging or by music that have derogatory meaning and disrespectful in nature? Are so many absent fathers affecting children that they have no respect for their fathers or for others?

The answers are many, however, we must as parents take control of our children’ lives and bring discipline back as a way of teaching our children right from wrong. If we allow our children to get away with misdeeds now, they are learning that they can get away with anything and not have any consequences or accountability. As a child in your home, that may seem okay to you, however to society, that child is a menace to society. That same child that did not get disciplined at home will more than likely fall in the juvenile system or even be tried as an adult.

Therefore, our children are our future. It is our responsibility as parents to teach them well so they can lead the way. Take a look at your parenting style and honestly answer the question, have you taught your child in a way that when he/she is older, they will not depart from your teaching?

MVP - Most Valuable Parent

One of the greatest problems affecting families, especially children, is fatherless homes. The majority of children in single parent homes have not seen there fathers in years, some their lifetime. Even though more fathers are playing key roles and are actively participating in the lives of their children, the fathers that have abandoned their children are even more devastating. The number of absent fathers is astonishing.

One in four children have not seen their fathers in five years. The effects of absent fathers on teenagers are negative. Teenage girls will more likely become pregnant and teenage boys will more likely be involved in violence. The paths to fatherless homes are through divorce and children being born out of wedlock.

Now, how can we prevent or lessen this phenomenon of fatherless homes? The question is perplexed and the answers are many, however, the first step begins before a child is conceived. We have to begin to make better decisions and choices about the person we are dating, both men and women. And while we are dating, we have to delve deep into the other person’s character by getting to know the person much better than we have been doing in the past.

I know adults who have never seen their fathers or do not know who their fathers are. As parents, we have negatively affected our children by taken away the most valuable asset they can have, two loving parents actively involved in their lives.

Are you a MVP?